wisdom. testosterone. and a little bit of bs

cheating

Ride or Die Chick


This is dedicated to my boy, my executive protection teammate. SEMPER FI! May we always stay on point and full of ammo.

Ladies. where do you  stand? where do you draw the line? what’s the limit of your abilities? You want to know what men talk about? “Wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, here it go.” Ok, before I dive deep into this topic let me clarify real quick. The title may move some of you to believe it’s a “thug” related blog. WRONG. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Ride or die chick”…..A quick google search will have you believing that a ride or die chick is a woman that will simply fight with and for her man. well…that’s the little boy’s definition. If your man is “hood”, and by hood I mean definitively: under 26, wakes up and smokes weed, and/or makes less than 20k LEGALLY, wears skinny jeans and/or sags, is semi dependent on his mother, I’m referring to him.

For us professionals….a woman who can blend in with the fellas COMFORTABLY, ie; sports, games, etcetera etcetera, attend a debutante ball with the poise of a princess, sit in on a board meeting, knock back shots at happy hour, and go from urban to proper vernacular in the blink of an eye, is a ride or die chick.

She doesn’t have to fight for/with us….although a sub compact 25 or snub nosed 38 (preferably smith&wesson) in the purse is an added bonus, albeit irrelevant.

A man wants a well versed and well rounded(not literally fat asses, log some miles on that pedometer already) mate. If you persist in keeping to some of the old ways, you’re going to find yourself matronly and alone. and who want’s that? A lot of you in Jacksonville Florida, based on all the stories I’m hearing. Yes, Jacksonville…I just put some of your trifling asses out there. Again.  What’s wrong with you hillbillies and hoodrats? Thank God I imported….

All I hear is,  my girl, my wife, my significant other, is verbally (sometimes physically) trying to emasculate me. Seriously? (taps the mic) Is this thing on? Ladies wanting a successful relationship “STOP MAKING A PUNK OUT OF YOUR MAN”.  The very moment you disrespect his manhood, you have just pushed the emergency eject button on the relationship. …no man is going to tolerate that bullshit and remain faithful to you. Oh, he’ll still sleep with you (because let’s face it sex IS sex) but he won’t give a damn about you. Nope, he’ll continue looking for that one. His end all be all.

So…continue not catering to your man. Continue your petty games in which you seek to control, steer, and ration. good luck with that. Not all men aren’t mesmerized and entranced by the vajayjay.  Correction YOUR vajayjay….there’s some next door.

By the way, to you ladies referencing that Steve Harvey book. Last I checked every single relationship is different. no set rules. no set boundaries. how can Mr caterpillar mustache interpretation’s help you? His experiences, his relationships….yeah, his advice is a solid match and will fit along perfectly in yours. Not.

My advice? No, not my advice, it’s been around for ages…”What it took to get your mate is what it’s going to take to KEEP your mate”. Switch the game up midstream if you want, and find yourself in a book club with other matron singles who hadn’t felt a man’s crotch since the Clinton administration.

Through playing wit cha’ll.


I’ll have what she’s having…


I’m going to walk a very narrow line regarding this topic. You know how you hold an intervention for a drug user and they lash out at you? Well…..let’s just say denial isn’t just a river in Africa.

This topic goes out to Bridget and Mindy who threw this topic at me like plates at a Greek wedding.

Why is it that some women have relationships with men who are already in one.


Let’s examine our subjects, shall we?

The Man: He’s happy at home but….something’s missing. He’s not trying to work things out by communicating and he’s not leaving either. (yes, there are different variations, but hey….I’m not writing a book here.) consider this the default characteristic.

The Woman: chronic bad relationship finder, insecure, leads with her emotions. couldn’t find a good man if you put her in the million man march. And since women are more complex than men, I’ll offer more than one variation to her characteristics. The second type: fiercely independent, controlling, likes an “even table” (i’ll come back to that later). She snatches opportunities and doesn’t care who is cannon fodder. The third type: the platonic friend who’s the  “oops how did we get in this bed” chick. She’s not in it emotionally. She’s in it for the diznik…

We all know some of these people don’t we? Or you probably do, and don’t realize what their Modus Operandi actually is. But the question (before I dive off into a tangent) is why? I’ll answer that question with another question. Why is it that women’s menstrual cycles sync up after being in prolonged proximity of one another?

“She who ovulates first, has the babies”…doesn’t make a bit of sense does it?  Until you factor in we (both men and women) have a genetic primal code built right in our DNA. REPRODUCE AT ALL COSTS. So the syncing is a matter of competition in a sense, because if you’re not ovulating….somebody else is. And that someone else is getting the man you wanted for yourself. Then there’s that damned shortage. Macy’s had a sale on men and all you had left to pick from was the clearance rack.

We’re much more civilized than our cavemen brethren, so we don’t act on our  primal urges, but our body still responds as it has for a milennia. The competitive gene is still there, affecting your judgment and emotions and most importantly your logic. And let’s not forget about those ticking time bombs that are set to explode sometime in your late 30′s, early 40′s….yes, I’m talking about your ovaries.

Now along comes Jimmy Valiant. Man, he’s a nice guy. nice job. nice teeth. He’s tells you all about his family, and the fun they’re having. If only your last ex- boyfriend wasn’t so into feet and vegetable dip, you could’ve had all that. And he’s got nothing on Jimmy….He’s attractive, and he’s all but drunk off the amount of pheromones wafting off you like a hot pie in a window sill. tick…tick…tick, damn it’s not your watch! Uh oh, you can’t be cramping now….no worries, its your fallopian tubes doing pilates, getting ready. Why on earth is your body doing Kegel’s  right now?!?

Then it happens. Something that shouldn’t have but did, you feel guilty but you are enjoying yourself waaaaay too much to stop. It can’t end good can it?  Just listen to any country music and/or blues song to find out how it ends.

And there you have it. Thank you Bridget, Mindy, and this bottle of Moscato I finished off, while writing this entertaining piece on the fly.  Hit me up on Facebook again, and I’ll pen any topic you throw at me. Just don’t count on the accuracy….kidding!!! I’m right all the time.

Deuces.


10 things your mother forgot to tell you


Mothers often pass down unwritten rules to their daughters to prep them for the real world. To you ladies that missed out and/or didn’t listen, this is for you. And suffice to say, it is FAR from complete. It’s just a few tidbits of what I’ve garnered in my 40+ years of existence. Some of you will gripe. I don’t care……you’re mad because I’m right.

10. Cook all you want…but a man prefers sex over biscuits any day of the week. The key to a man’s heart is comprised of many different things. cooking for him is at the bottom of that totem pole.

9. the tomboy/girl next door thing is cute, but your man still wants a lady. Keep rocking ballcaps and tennis shoes if you want. You’ll find yourself in the dugout being replaced by a new relief pitcher at the bat. (no pun intended).

8. His friends aren’t really “your” friends. He doesn’t trust them and neither should you. Especially his drinking buddies. Use common sense, before you find yourself in an awkward situation.

7. It really is all about the “Presentation”. the hippie movement isn’t making a comeback and you’re not from some obscure European country. groom yourself….muttonchops on the inner thigh is nasty.

6. Your BFF of many years will sleep with your man and go shopping with you the very next day. Yep, there are women like this, and the funny part is that they aren’t skanky or slutty. They want to test drive what you have. plain and simple. sad, but true.

5. If you don’t want to raise a dysfunctional son:

a. don’t separate him from his father (a good father) even in a divorce.

b. don’t bad mouth the father(at least within earshot of your child).

Why? because once you crush a boy’s hero…once you remove his mentor, his blueprint to life, who is he going to learn from? you? no offense single moms, you don’t have the kahunas to turn a boy into a real man…there must be a male role model in his life.

4. Do not bring your dates around your children too soon. that’s such a great example of relationship building…..not. your daughter will mimic you, and your son will assume you’re easy. (and that’s putting it nicely). Oh, and the kids will tell their father, who will roll up on your new boy toy and threaten him, effectively scaring him away.

3. Number four leads into three…Just like sons need fathers, daughters need their mothers. you are her blueprint to womanhood. She’s watching you and mimicking all of your actions….ALL OF THEM. the phrase, “do as I say, not as I do” is null and void. so it goes without saying, if you’re on the pole….

2. Feminism…for the most part, is cool if you’re a lesbian or a bitch. (I can hear emails flooding my inbox now).

1. Feminism and independence go hand in hand. and too much of that said independence will usurp your man’s headship. Doing this WILL cause him to resent you. He’s going to feel castrated. Yeah, I grew up old school, but far from chauvinistic as you probably have formed that opinion of me already (which I’M NOT). Look, if you’re really feeling incensed over what I’ve written, let me soothe your ruffled feather a bit. Even though I grew up in the bible belt, I’ve never been given to quoting biblical references. Generally, I let my actions speak for me, but… 1 Corinthians 11:3 ” Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

As I said before, this list is far from complete. But if you only take one thing from this blog, make sure you understand that raising your children APPROPRIATELY comes first. As a man, my goal is to ensure my son is prepared in all aspects of life. To make his journey easier than mine, to tutor him on life’s trek. Ladies…THAT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS.


The Return


He’s coming back to the game. And as much as his peers will hate it, they will also welcome him back with open arms. All while making snide comments behind his back. No, it isn’t Brett Favre and it sure as hell ain’t Jordan. It’s Eldrick. And before you get your panties in a bunch asking who Eldrick is, I’ll tell you.

Eldrick Tont Woods…affectionately (and intimately) known as Tiger. Now, there is absolutely nothing about Tiger Woods that I could expound upon that the media hasn’t already filleted and gutted a million times already, except for one thing. Why he got caught. (no, not why he did it, why he got caught).

Tiger Woods is an island unto himself. That kinda makes it hard to do dirt when you’re visible from the weather channel’s satellites. Secondly, he went against the grain of every celeb/athlete’s mantra. He had no Entourage.

Entourage (read: boys who you pay and trust to do YOUR dirt and take the fall). These people are made up of people you know before the fame and fortune and when the shit hits the fan, will gladly scoop it up.

Celebs with entourages usually have a bad image of boozing party hounds, so Tiger refrained from having one, not realizing their true purpose. Damn, hindsight’s a bitch ain’t it?

But let me make myself really really clear. In no way do I condone Mr. Woods infidelities. He was stupid and got caught with his hands, feet and who knows what else in the cookie jar. Apparently, he thought he was a college frat boy. I remember my college days, (barely). I felt unstoppable. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning something about me burning out before I turned 25 (guess what mom, it was sooner…).

I didn’t have an entourage but I had friends I trusted impeccably. Question is, who does Tiger trust? It’s kinda funny though, because real tigers hunt solo, at night and ambush their prey. The two legged tigers we know use Patron Margaritas….or cereal.

If only he had one good friend to say “I don’t think its a good idea, let’s go” We wouldn’t be reading about all this nonsense now. But you know what, it’s not all his fault.

Let’s back up a sec. So the wifey had no idea? She was clueless? Yeah right, whatever. If the handwriting is on the wall, you just don’t apply a fresh coat of paint. Let’s not forget this has been going on for years, and she just now decided to bash his head in? A one eyed man with a cataract could see she didn’t care what Tiger did UNTIL it was about to become public knowledge.

So why are people so hellbent on what Tiger is or isn’t doing? Americans (some of us) are boring, mundane hum drum people who live their lives vicariously through someone else. Everyone wants to shake up their lives and do something wild and off the cuff but is afraid to. That’s why Vegas is so popular. What? you thought it was because of the casinos? Kill yourself now and help the census.

People like to commune socially. That’s why everyone is in everyone else’s business and personal affairs. And when celebrities and/or an athlete’s business come to light…oh boy, the fireworks fly. Tiger’s affairs were, socially speaking “a multiple orgasm” for the media and it’s endearing public.

The man liked to get his multicultural penis wet. He’s also given billions in charity benefiting children. Does this make it right? Hell no it doesn’t. Not at all. But tell me…what has your trifling baby’s daddy contributed other than his seed?

Stop casting stones. Welcome back Tiger.


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