wisdom. testosterone. and a little bit of bs

common sense

Faded Dreams


MLK

Today is the day we recognize Dr. Martin Luther King Jr and most importantly his message. I grew up in Montgomery Alabama, not far from historic Selma and the famous march that jump started the civil rights movement.  I was lucky. Lucky that I grew up on the tail end of that struggle and yet it was still hard for blacks down south with so much hatred abound. However…we persevered. We flat-out refused to give in or cower in the face of inequality or injustice. We educated ourselves and our children so that we couldn’t be told that we weren’t qualified for this or unable to do that. A lot of times (this is no lie) we had to work three times as hard just to get our fair share. And I’m grateful for every opportunity I get to shine. Let’s fast forward to 2014……

What the proverbial f**k is going on?!?  Dr. King’s message is all but dead, and racism has grown rampant in the last six years. I get it, racism and hate never really dies but as soon as we get a black president, racist groups start a training combine for try outs and draft picks…Was that really the straw that broke the camel’s back? He ain’t doing anything different from any other president (absolutely nothing). Was that THE opportunity to unite all the racists under one roof? Congratulations! what’s next, world domination?  At this rate it shouldn’t be too long.

We are diversely and culturally regressing. The same tone that exists today I felt in the 70′s. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? We should be better than this. I often wonder if our children will know the peace Martin Luther King spoke so eloquently of. Racism is begetting racism. It’s being home schooled into today’s generation and THAT in itself is enough to give pause. Children have no reason to hate each other yet I see junior high school kids bullying minorities and females.

“It is not our differences that divide us. It is our inability to recognize, accept, and celebrate those differences.” ― Audre Lorde

Racism undermines the human race and our ascension to the greater good. Today’s wars for example while shrouded in greed, primarily were instigated through racist means. How advanced can we truly be if we can hate with such ferocity because of a difference of race, religion, or gender. It’s a sad sad day when we’ve become so morally jaded, unscrupulously selfish, and cold-hearted. because of what? I’m darker than you? the way I worship God differently than you? or is it because I know the truth? that deep down inside no matter what you say to me (because let’s face it that’s all racists can do IS talk), I will always keep striving to be better. I won’t stop until my last exhalation of air is depleted from my lungs.

Some of you racists aren’t really. I’ve seen you sneaking out of the tanning salon, getting collagen lips, butt implants and buying penis pumps, but it never sticks does it? frustrating isn’t it?

U MAD BRO?


Lies,Truth and Bacon


food lies

Who decided what foods to call breakfast? I need to have a talk with him, and by talk I mean clubbing him over the head with a sock full of frozen sausage patties. Everyone at the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) should be force fed MRE’s for not updating an antiquated food pyramid since the great depression. Why wouldn’t they…..oh wait. Lobbyists. If I’m slinging corn and wheat like a meth dealer, what better way is there than to get the government to declare it’s healthy and you must eat it. All while getting subsidies to grow more. It’s a win win.

America is BEYOND being the fattest country. There is a myriad of reasons for that, however for brevity I’m going to focus only on one. Our diet. We eat for luxury. we eat for boredom. we eat for fun. we eat to soothe depression. we eat for celebration. Why in God’s name do we eat past 7-8 o’clock pm I’ll never know. Wait, yes I do. Marketing. You’ve seen food commercials in HD. Your pupils dilate, your brain releases endorphins, and you just gotta have it. I get it. Eating for sustenance hasn’t been cool since the Great Depression, but gorging yourself late night watching a Netflix marathon is a surefire way to cardiac arrest.

You know what the average breakfast at Denny’s or an IHOP is? Stacks of pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, AND hash browns with toast. I can feel my glucose levels rising just talking about it. All carbs and fat is not an ideal way to break your fast. WHERE IS THE DAMN PROTEIN? In the eggs? Sure, if I wanted the figure of a prepubescent boy. It’s too miniscule an amount for any athletic person. No one wants to eat 6-8 eggs every day, although it wouldn’t be a first for me. Bacon? Sausage? Let me be clear…I’ve eaten a whole pack of bacon and  it was delicious and oh so satisfying and I wasn’t ashamed in the slightest, but I’m not trying to stroke out from high blood pressure either. Not gonna lie…I might Ka-Bar you (stab you with a very large fighting knife) over a plate of bacon. I will NEVER become muslim. Give up pork? Hell Naw!

Shit..let me focus, I’m starting to smell bacon and no one’s cooking.

And stop subscribing to nonsense. I’m looking at you Facebook denizens. Chicken, fish and beef are FINE to eat in the morning. Protein = Amino Acids = Muscle =healthy fat burning metabolism all day long as long as your body is in motion. Ever had chicken and broccoli for breakfast? I have. And I’ve gotten weird looks like I was breaking some secret code or something. Meanwhile some programmed fat kid a table across from me is huffing down flapjacks like they’re discontinued.

Expand your dietary horizons. Eat better. And stop eating after the sun sets. That shit isn’t natural. Unless you’re a bat. But they don’t eat during the day. Does that make the bat smarter that you? Listen to your body. It will tell you what it needs it just takes a little practice.

Stop labeling foods and when to eat them. And quit posting diets on FB as an affirmation to your intent, posting pedometer miles is better. you’re faking the funk and we know it.

Paleo for the win. I like Steve Kamb’s site. http://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2010/10/04/the-beginners-guide-to-the-paleo-diet/

Educate yourself on what food actually does to your body and perhaps you’ll be just that closer to achieving whatever goals you’re striving for.


Ride or Die Chick


This is dedicated to my boy, my executive protection teammate. SEMPER FI! May we always stay on point and full of ammo.

Ladies. where do you  stand? where do you draw the line? what’s the limit of your abilities? You want to know what men talk about? “Wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, here it go.” Ok, before I dive deep into this topic let me clarify real quick. The title may move some of you to believe it’s a “thug” related blog. WRONG. Couldn’t be further from the truth.

“Ride or die chick”…..A quick google search will have you believing that a ride or die chick is a woman that will simply fight with and for her man. well…that’s the little boy’s definition. If your man is “hood”, and by hood I mean definitively: under 26, wakes up and smokes weed, and/or makes less than 20k LEGALLY, wears skinny jeans and/or sags, is semi dependent on his mother, I’m referring to him.

For us professionals….a woman who can blend in with the fellas COMFORTABLY, ie; sports, games, etcetera etcetera, attend a debutante ball with the poise of a princess, sit in on a board meeting, knock back shots at happy hour, and go from urban to proper vernacular in the blink of an eye, is a ride or die chick.

She doesn’t have to fight for/with us….although a sub compact 25 or snub nosed 38 (preferably smith&wesson) in the purse is an added bonus, albeit irrelevant.

A man wants a well versed and well rounded(not literally fat asses, log some miles on that pedometer already) mate. If you persist in keeping to some of the old ways, you’re going to find yourself matronly and alone. and who want’s that? A lot of you in Jacksonville Florida, based on all the stories I’m hearing. Yes, Jacksonville…I just put some of your trifling asses out there. Again.  What’s wrong with you hillbillies and hoodrats? Thank God I imported….

All I hear is,  my girl, my wife, my significant other, is verbally (sometimes physically) trying to emasculate me. Seriously? (taps the mic) Is this thing on? Ladies wanting a successful relationship “STOP MAKING A PUNK OUT OF YOUR MAN”.  The very moment you disrespect his manhood, you have just pushed the emergency eject button on the relationship. …no man is going to tolerate that bullshit and remain faithful to you. Oh, he’ll still sleep with you (because let’s face it sex IS sex) but he won’t give a damn about you. Nope, he’ll continue looking for that one. His end all be all.

So…continue not catering to your man. Continue your petty games in which you seek to control, steer, and ration. good luck with that. Not all men aren’t mesmerized and entranced by the vajayjay.  Correction YOUR vajayjay….there’s some next door.

By the way, to you ladies referencing that Steve Harvey book. Last I checked every single relationship is different. no set rules. no set boundaries. how can Mr caterpillar mustache interpretation’s help you? His experiences, his relationships….yeah, his advice is a solid match and will fit along perfectly in yours. Not.

My advice? No, not my advice, it’s been around for ages…”What it took to get your mate is what it’s going to take to KEEP your mate”. Switch the game up midstream if you want, and find yourself in a book club with other matron singles who hadn’t felt a man’s crotch since the Clinton administration.

Through playing wit cha’ll.


The Pessimist, the Cynic, and the Ne’er Do Well


Please….shut up already, you leech, you vampire, you succubus. I can feel you draining all of my optimistic soul with your chronic complaining and pessimism. Yes life is a struggle, I get it. Just stop talking about how miserable your life is and DO something about it.

I have my own issues to contend with. I’m making positive strides forward, then you come along with your black cloud of mope and despair overcasting my day. Fortunately, I have one of those pro golf sized “mental umbrellas” to keep me dry from your gale force tirades of drama. Spare me your relationship episodes, you’re not David Duchovny on Californication. I could care less about how your wife emasculates you….wait, what did you call it, “she’s assertive and likes wearing the pants” so instead of watching the playoffs Sunday afternoon, you’re down at the flea market shopping for discounted trinkets and bootleg romantic comedy dvd’s.

The next person to attempt to trample one of my good spirited days with their “cup is almost empty” demeanor, deserves a Rick James to Charlie Murphy open handed slap. Seriously. I’m on a mission. Because your train derailed, you want to plant bombs on my tracks? If life is sooooo bad, give up. Stop trying. Kill yourself. More food for us. Still here? Pussy…or is it that your life isn’t that bad afterall huh?

The next step isn’t so easy. Depressing people travel in packs, infecting others like a virus adding to the collective. You have got to break away from the other crabs if you want to change your mindset. And don’t think they won’t notice. “why’d you stop calling? oh, you too good to hang with us now? Hey I just wrecked my car for the 3rd time can I get a ride? Hey girl, so and so was talking about you. I just wanted to let you know. What’s up man, I just quit my bullshit job. Naw, I ain’t got nothing lined up just yet tho…mind if I hang out for a few days?”

Good luck escaping. If you did manage to escape, your circle is extremely smaller now isn’t it? Google+ won’t be happy (lol if you don’t get that it’s ok, the joke wasn’t for you).

I had an intellectual discussion with a good friend of mine last night until 3am. It’s amazing what conversations stem from Grand Marnier and blue mist hookahs….I digress, where was I? One topic involved goals, aspirations, and the means to reach them. Have you met yours? what prevented you? what’s stopping you now? At what point do you concede? the conclusion obviously, is that the infrastructure of any goal you set forth is planning. Then it hit me like a ton a bricks. 35-40% of the people I knew, didn’t plan for shit. Most of them are already out of my life, the few remaining handful will probably become case studies for this blog in the near future.

It’s 2012 people. time to become extremely independent and get off the teat. Bad things will happen soon. PLAN AHEAD.(damn have I been infected by the cynics?) Time to develop some survivalist skills just in case of some post apocalyptic scenario. I recommend the three H’s. Hunting, Horticulture and Whoring…yes yes I know, I know. It was just fun to say.

Through playing with y’all.


10 Things Your Father Forgot To Tell You


Happy Father’s Day to all the daddy’s of the world. I’d like to start by saying my father is legend to me. The absolute best compliment I’ve ever gotten is when someone says “you act/look like your father”. my father epitomizes a gentle heart and strengthened resolve. I can only hope to match that. My unyielding thirst for knowledge was passed down through him.

Some of you weren’t so lucky. Manhood is a tough thing. There are standards, boundaries, rules that apply. A lot of you missed them for whatever reason….here are the cliff notes.

  1. Respect is a reciprocal thing. In order to get it, it must be given. Only good things can happen within these boundaries. Step out of the circle of respect and chaos is sure to erupt in some form or fashion.
  2. No one is going to take care of you past a certain age. Everything your parents have been telling you thus far was to prep you for a solo run at life. I know you’ve seen the failures…you don’t want to go that route. 30 years old at home with momma? fail. Stop asking for handouts, their nest egg isn’t yours. The retirement money doesn’t belong to you, junior.
  3. Travel. Out of the state. Out of the country. It’ll broaden your small minded view on life all while learning cultures you never knew existed except for on tv. If you thought your prom queen was the hottest thing since old episodes of Baywatch, you’re an idiot. Women vary by region, state, and country with different mindsets than your high school sweetheart “Peggy Sue”. If you are still single, relocate. you’ll be mildly surprised at the difference in the attitudes of women of other area codes.
  4. Invest. Remember “he who has the most toys wins”? Well, those toys cost. A lot. Mutual funds, CD’s, Stocks (get a financial planner early kid).
  5. Your Word. If it comes out of your mouth, then DO IT. Mean it and never go back on it. People will respect you on your word alone in some cases. Don’t be a lying little weasel that deserves to be kicked in the balls. Hmm…maybe I could start a trend, kick all liars in the ball sack. Wait no, we’d have to castrate ALL politicians and government officials…I digress, where was i?
  6. Babies. This is a no brainer. Keep your dick in your pants or use a condom if you aren’t ready to be a daddy. How do you know you aren’t ready to be a daddy you ask? If you can’t support yourself. meaning: If you can’t provide your OWN shelter, food or clothing, what makes you think you can care for an infant whose solely dependent upon you for continuing to live? Babies require sacrifice of your livelihood. Sending the baby to grandma for days on end is shirking YOUR responsibility scum bag.
  7. Never raise your hand to a woman. If you lucked up and got an psycho aggressive bi-polar crazy chick, therapy IS NOT going to help. Run away from that relationship like someone just fired a starter pistol. If you just like hitting women because it makes you feel strong, come see me. I’ll message you my address and we can determine just how strong you are…prick.
  8. Public drunkenness is not cool. You look like an idiot because you are an idiot. Maintain your dignity. Women like dignity.
  9. A woman is going to leave you or cheat on you if your sex game isn’t up to par. Oh..she’ll wait it out a bit to see if there’s any improvement, but rest assured, she’ll be on the clock for some quality dizznik. Don’t be one of those guys we laugh at behind your back. Because there’s another thing: she will tell just how bad you are. it’s a damn shame. But it’s true. Yeah, she might not tell the world, but she’s got at least one confidant that knows you ain’t shit. Elevate your game or the only thing you’ll be riding is the bench.
  10. So…you got yourself together. Career’s going, got nice man toys, got a great lady and baby makes three. congratulations, it ain’t over. The knowledge, the hard work, the perseverance now needs to be poured into your child. If you allow someone else to teach your child about life, you tripped up right at the finish line. If your child is a failure it’s because YOU failed that child. no one else. Prepare your son or daughter to sidestep all of the hardships and struggles that you went through. make it easier for them. After all, they are your legacy. Teach them everything, but place a timeline on that gift of knowledge. Too many times have I seen parents rearing their preteen kids for some adult type circumstance while the kid is more interested in his/her robots or dolls. Puberty, adolescence, adulthood have their place and are fundamental for a child’s psyche. don’t ruin that.

If you were lucky enough to have been blessed with a father to teach you some of these things, then by all means call him up today and say thank you for making me a better individual. But the truth is, he’s knows it already and is extremely proud of your accomplishments thus far.


Ain’t Life A Niche…


Overzealous, overconfident, overactive, and today…..over reaching. I’m the biggest advocate of stepping out of the box, breaking away from the norm and doing or being different. That said, we each have our own roles to play in life. Our own talents, our own gifts. Our very own little niche.

I know, (as much as I loathe to admit it) I cannot be everything to everyone. The sky IS the limit, but the ugly truth is that the ceiling varies for different people. My gifts, my creativity, my talents will only get me so far. Your talents may or may not get you farther or faster. Everyone has a cap. I will never work for NASA, be a chemical engineer, or a college math professor. Why? Because I absolutely detest math and anything of its ilk. Besides…it’s a right brain function, and we all know artists (the left brain users of the world) can’t stand prolonged use of the right side. It just isn’t natural to us.

So I’m just gonna do me. All the things that I’m good at, my special niche in life: writing, fitness, counseling, electronics, computers, photography, fighting, loving, drinking and hell raising. and not necessarily in that order.

(did me taking an exam really just snap me outta my writer’s block?) Hallelujah, I’m back!


Full Circle


So. Here we are. 2011

There is war, hate and distrust  EVERYWHERE.

WTF happened? Why is there so much damn unrest and violence in the middle east? I guess if I want to understand it, I’ll have to go back. Waaaaaaay back….

Flashback to the Crusades for a moment. The Crusades were a series of religiously sanctioned military campaigns, waged by much of the Roman Catholic church, particularly the Franks of France (wow, the French have been dicks longer than I thought) and the Roman Empire. The crusades to restore Christian control of the Holy Land were fought over a period of nearly 200 years, between 1095 and 1291. Hundreds of thousands of people were killed. Stop drinking the kool-aid for a second and ask yourself this: If your church said “hey, we have beef with 1st Baptist on Main street. we’re gonna go over there and show them who’s the better church”. Could you resort to that kind of violence?

Question. Would you kill for your religion? Would you vow to physically wipe out all other religions? could you get your hands dirty, and wring someone not of your faith’s neck? Because that’s essentially what happened during the Crusades when Christians decided that, “hey you know what, we want Jerusalem back”.  (secretly, they still do.) I didn’t realize the Catholics were so aggressive like that.

I wish someone could give me a definitive answer as to why Christians and Muslims have been at war since the dawn of man. (and please don’t comment with any racist bullshit either , I don’t wanna hear it).  It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.  I am by far, NOT  a conspiracy theorist but it kinda makes you wonder. The Catholic religion has a government (the vatican). It’s recognized as a country and international law. Look at the bigger picture for a moment….a country that has militarized weaponry.

It’s been said that absolute power, corrupts absolutely. Here’s probably why that phrase was coined.

The Catholic church was getting it’s freak on.  Sixtus IV was the first Pope to impose a license on brothels and a special tax on priests who kept a mistress (the IRS should probably look into this). Pope Alexander VI  was….how can I put this lightly? A Ho.  He had seven children by at least two mistresses. Fourteen years after his death, the corruption of the papacy that Pope Alexander VI exemplified – particularly the sale of hookers – prompted Martin Luther (no, not the black one) the Protestant leader of that era, to launch the Protestant Reformation. Around that timeframe, we got a bible makeover. the King James version.

Nope. I’m not making any of this up. Please.  Google it.  THE CATHOLIC CHURCH SANCTIONED PROSTITUTION.

Wow…I’m getting off track, this started off as one thing and has evolved into something for another time. Where was I? Oh yeah, corruption.

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.” Sound familiar? If not, you failed history miserably and you need to bone up on the US Constitution. What’s funny about this, is that politicians have started ingratiating religion back into politics and as a country of diversity, how can you inject your personal beliefs into laws meant to govern that melting pot of ethnicity?  You can’t. Unless you have an agenda.

What’s the one thing that all countries have? That crosses borders, race, social,economic, political status? Religion. what better way to unite the world under one roof. It also brings about a form of control…all under one roof. Let’s recap: religion = control. Control the individual, control the country.

Fast forward to the present:

Egypt, Bahrain, and now Libya all of a sudden erupt into hotbed of chaos. Why now? Is no one looking behind the scenes on this. Are we REALLY going to fall for the “smoke and mirror” fascist dictator trick again? Those people have lived that way for CENTURIES. and now “Hey you know what? I want a democracy”. riiiiight.

Once there is a democracy in the Middle East the world will end as we know it. Call it checkmate.

the Crusades have a new name. The New World Order

Round and round we go.


Anatomy 101


Da Vinci art

I had a bit of an epiphany in the gym this morning. It dawned on me that most people go their entire lives without realizing what their very own bodies are physically capable of. It’s funny to me. Mainly because in my youth, I was literally thin as a walking stick. Had it not been for that fateful day in Chicago at the Naval base, where I (a basketball fanatic) was dunked on by a semi pro player.

That pivotal moment changed me. Angered and blinded by the fact that someone broke through my defense, I subbed out and left the court…right into the weight room. while the 1st two years were a clueless waste of time, the next 13 years became a campaign to become bigger and stronger. Years of muscle sprains, tendinitis, deep tissue massages, and gallons of protein later, here I am remaining steadfast on my personal crusade to be the fittest I can be.

But not most people….the average person doesn’t think about it until a really fit person walks up next to them and then they realize “oh shit, that person is my age”. Then there’s the moment of self-pity. The envy lasts a bit longer but that too is quickly forgotten as soon as the “hot and fresh doughnuts” sign lights up at Krispy Kreme.

The human body is literally a Transformer. (Hasbro should pay me for plugging them)

It’s astounding the amount of resiliency and strength it has. It can be shaped and molded, made stronger, faster. It can endure miles and miles of running or tons and tons of weight lifting. Each and every person has their very own machine to tweak and customize as they see fit, but 89% of you don’t….okay I made that number up, but so what it’s probably higher. It’s the equivalent of taking a Ferrari and letting it sit for years exposed to the elements.

I’m curious.

What’s it like?

Trying this diet plan and that diet pill….starving yourself to squeeze into a dress you know damn well you shouldn’t have purchased. Doing push ups before you head out to the beach to give the illusion that you work out on a regular basis. I’ll bet you 20 bucks you’ve got a guy at work that arches his back when he walks as if to imply his chest is huge.

Delusions of fitness never gets old. Promising yourself to exercise but that day never comes, or wearing sleeves so tight your hands turn blue. So what does it take to get motivated and embrace a fit healthy lifestyle?

1. you must WANT it. badly…a 6 month diet plan is going to crash like Denzel Washington in “Flight”.

2. Self Evaluate. look at yourself realistically, and honestly. Then set a goal. and just like building a house you’re gonna need blueprints to make that goal happen. You will need a professional at this point. Find a certified licensed trainer. You will only need him/her for about 4-6 months tops. listen and do everything they tell you, then rinse and repeat on your own.

3. Educate yourself in health and exercise. I’m mean really learn. Chances are your doctor doesn’t know a damn thing about fitness. Remember he’s getting paid to sell you his skill set and medicine.

4. Take a nutrition class. Trust me, when you learn that you truly are what you eat, you’ll stop huffing down pancakes, doughnuts and cookies.

5. Kinesiology, the study of human movement. When you know how your body works once and for all, you will laugh at those infomercials trying to sell you a “gutbuster 3000″ and the people that buy them.

Extend your life/livelihood. Take care of your body as you would your car, house, your lawn….or whatever you deem of value and importance to you. God willing, working out and pushing my body to it’s limits will continue be a staple in my life, as much as breakfast and sex. And I’m certainly not trying to give up either of the two anytime soon.

Train hard. Indulge later.


Resolute Ideas


2010 is over. Thank God. It’s been a rollercoaster ride from hell, from natural disasters to the ongoing ever present recession, things have not been nice (putting it mildly). Nevertheless tonight, err….tomorrow begins a new year, new beginnings, new chances, new opportunities and for a lot a people, new resolutions.

I can tell my age is catching up to me. Because this year, my resolution is so far removed from the norm, it signifies the next step in my learning process. my own personal maturation in life. Or to repeat what my wife says “my Buddhist Monk” like ways.

As much as our President has touted change, I fear there will be none. At least not in our lifetime or not in the manner in which we expect. And that got me to thinking….why? Really, why can’t we change? As a whole, once we reach adulthood most people are set in their ways like super glued concrete shoes, only changing when traumatic events unfold.

Our only chance is our children.

Children are full of creativity and ideas that are unrestricted by boundaries and prejudices. Children can provide the change we need to TRULY make this world a better place. It starts at home, in your neighborhoods, in your cities. Stop dashing your child’s dreams. Give them positive reinforcement all of the time. Support their goals. Teach them. They are apt to learn life quicker from you than from a stranger in the form of public schooling.

My New Year’s resolution?  To inspire all youth. Whenever and wherever I can.

Think for a second if we all did that, what would begin to transpire. So instead of trying to lose 10lbs off your fat ass in a gym program that you won’t stick with, why not volunteer at a local Boy’s and Girl’s club? Or start a tutoring program? There’s also Big Brothers/Sisters programs.

I can’t be the only person who can see that as a whole, adults have failed miserably. It’s time to hit the reset button and give our children a chance to right our wrongs.

What’s YOUR New Year’s Resolution?


Dear Santa,


Hi Santa, refresh my memory please. Why do kids have to sit on your lap just to tell you their Christmas wishes? They can’t just stand and tell you?

I call “perv”, Santa…who are you really? We can’t even see your face. I know you can magically whip up some clippers and a razor. Trim that baby llama off your face so we can see you, it’s the 21st century Santa.

I always knew you were a sadist Santa. Pepper? A lump of coal? Who does that, you sick freak.

As you know Santa, me being the health nut and all, couldn’t help but notice those “rosy red cheeks”…..yeah well, I’m pretty sure that’s rosacea. Common amongst alcoholics. you should lay off the elven moonshine. How’s your cholesterol fatso? I left you Nabisco 100 calorie thin crisps and low fat milk, but you preceded to raid the fridge and demolish ALL the chicken and collard greens, dressing and cranberry sauce, and my grandma’s  red velvet cake. not cool man. Next time wash the dishes.

But hey listen, I wanted to give you a heads up. I’m a light sleeper. So before you break into my house and trip the motion sensors, how about sending me a text or something before I turn my living room into a CSI episode. M’kay? Thanks.

One more thing Santa. Who’s your agent? Because the contract deals he’s making for you are unbelievable. Do you know you beat out Halloween this year? There was Christmas stuff up in stores the 2nd week in October. I thought I’d lost 2 months. That’s crazy…you, Tony Romo and Ndamukong Suh must all have the same agent. Send me his number.

All in all Santa, you’ve given me a lot of insomnia, anxiety, mental and physical duress over the years. This horrible relationship isn’t conducive to the kind of lifestyle I like to lead. Thanks for the faulty orange 10-speed (which coincidentally led to my bike vs car accident), the boom box radio that LL Cool J was so fond of speaking of. Nevermind that it felt like 30 bee stings whenever I plugged in the crappy power cord.

It’s over. You’re out Santa, like a MLB batter facing Nolan Ryan.

FYI, I registered you on that sex offender website. STAY AWAY FROM THE KIDS YOU PERV!


Bittersweet November


Well now….I think I’m most certainly convinced without a shadow of doubt that our country is nowhere near being out of the “recession” and things are steadily declining.

Why? Because two weeks ago I lost my job due to downsizing. I was numb at first. Kind of in a haze for a week or two. Then oddly enough, I started feeling better.  As if a weight was lifted? I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I am still sorting through it, but outside of the financial hit, I feel great.

I think I must be imagining things, because this morning when I looked in the mirror some gray hairs had receded and that monkey on my back, crashing those tambourines in my ear wasn’t there.

I now enjoy my pumpkin spiced coffee on the porch without gulping it down, while watching my rottie do his business near (in) my neighbor’s yard (what? her cats shouldn’t be on my Z ,but it happens). I think it’s safe to say, I will end out this year ABSOLUTELY stress free.

2011 will be another thing altogether….My resumé is shining, but I don’t even know if I want to remain in the same field. Hell, I don’t know if I want to remain in the same country while this mess is going on. However, as always I’ll persevere and look good while doing it.

If I was of the superstitious lot, I’d say November is a bad month for me considering what happened last November, but I’m not. This is most definitely a blessing in disguise. My path has been lain out in front of me. I just need to uncover it.

Now where’s that damn leaf blower?


R.E.S.P.E.C.T


I feel you Aretha.  Without respect, a man isn’t one. Lack of it will always lead to a disastrous conclusion. Me? I’d take respect over fame and money anything day of the week.

So. What exactly is the correct path to follow when there’s a personal affront to your manhood? Wisdom dictates removing yourself from said situation. Easy if the assailant is a complete stranger, not so easy if you’ve known the individual for awhile and their viewpoint of you has changed for whatever reason. A little tougher if it’s a long time friend or family member.

Yeah, you can communicate and talk about it, but since no one’s budging, you’re back to square one. This is why brothers don’t speak to one another for 15 years a pop, or cousins only visit every other holiday. It also affects marital bliss.

So what do you do, when you are bred with a ceiling-less pride and taught to be respectful and expect it always? When the nuclear arms talk fail utterly, and war is imminent…what do you do?

It comes down to our  primal responses: Fight or Flight. I’m not speaking a “physical” fight (not this time). But a fight aimed at getting the respect you deserve. Or do you take a hit to your manhood, the very core structure of who you are, and concede?

NEVER.

……and I ain’t about to write a damn song asking for it either.


Defining Moments


Hmph. Ok, so I googled myself today. Well, I actually googled my site today and I gotta say I’m a little miffed right now. There seems to be a lot of “alpha male” how to’s and  do it yourself kinda sites….and of course being curious, I checked out a few of them. And I was mildly surprised at what I found.

Has it really gotten so bad that lame guys have to write books about how to pick up women?  Wow.  I kinda feel bad for them in a sense. All this “how to be an alpha male”…how to walk, talk, and act like one to score chicks. You ARE kidding me, right?

Alright let me clarify something real quick. Lames, please take note, (get your #2 pencils out).

BEING ALPHA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN, YOU JACKASSES….. Being Alpha comes down to respect, leadership and your ability to maneuver in any given situation. Other men see it and give deference to it or challenge it . It’s never been about women. That’s just a side benefit that we gloat in the faces of the loser. Think of it as a “look what I have and you don’t and if you get one , I can easily take it away from you” kinda thing.

No manual is going to teach that. Deep down in your heart , you will still be lame.  Let me expound upon that for a sec.

LAME: a characteristic of an individual who puts forth no effort in life, one who succumbs to his defeats. someone who sits idly by and waits dependently. a person lacking confidence, self esteem, and self- dignity….anyone buying a book to pick up women.

And not to besmirch women, (because they have their own catty thing going on that we can only scratch at the surface of), but they generally like a man’s three “P” abilities. Provide, Protect, Procreate. There is nothing you can tell me that doesn’t come full circle into this. Try me….I haven’t had to teach a class in awhile. Any mature adult male knows this whether he admits it or not.

It’s easy as breathing. It’s something I’m not even aware of most times. It’s how I think on a subconscious level (hence, the title of this blog). I won’t go so far as to say you have to be born with it…and money certainly won’t empower you with it either.

You have it or you don’t. Deal with it and move on. Stop speaking in baritone when you’re really an alto, quit copycatting and be yourself.  Give up the books on how to get laid and focus on your self respect and dignity. Maybe then will a woman of grace give you the time of day.

Just do you.


Facebook, Episode 2 (the awakening)


So….we are still piling terabytes of personal data into facebook servers. Guess what? It’s learning. Of course not like Skynet (Google and Apple will merge later to form that), but Facebook is evolving to become one large interactive advertisement that you create. Look, see that section of interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes you just told the world about? Marketing companies have complete dossiers on millions of people. For free….well maybe not free. Facebook execs are making billions off the info.

All in the name of social media.  “Social media” uses web based tech to turn communication into interactive dialogues. Any of you had an FB friend go rogue on you yet? It starts out friendly and platonic, then one day a weird post shows up on your wall and you’re not quite sure what to make of it and ignore it. That’s your interactive dialogue for you. Some crazy possessive nutjob now  knows you like moo shu pork on wednesdays at PF Chang’s and like to chill at Sahara’s hookah bar on Friday’s. Time for you to go off the grid…

Hey! It’s your birthday! you just had 600 people wish you happy birthday, yet you’re home alone miserable with no presents. 6 out of the 600 are genuine. Why? because they’re family, the rest just got a notification and they felt compelled to click on the link. They could care less about how old you are.

Hey, you know those games you play on Facebook? Every single one of the them asks your permission to bypass all the the security protocols put in place. Didn’t read ANY of the agreement page before clicking accept did you moron? Nope, but your farmville cows need hay don’t they and daylight’s burning. Farmville will be the death of someone…..wait wait wait, it already is. Click the link for more details.  Girl kills baby for interrupting farmville

That is the saddest thing I’ve heard all year……..

I’m totally convinced. Humanity has reached it’s apex. It’s all downhill now. Some of us have slipped down the slope of demise, despair and degradation a little quicker than others. Is it Facebook’s fault? Nah….but it certainly doesn’t take away from the insanity of instant communication.

I want to deactivate my account soooo badly! But, I choose to take advantage of the wonderful marketing arena and advertising whirlygig that is Facebook. Hell…half of you got to this site via FB. Can’t be all bad, can it?


Sex & Politics


Mid-term elections are here. Got your condoms and K-Y? You’ll be needing them….because politicians are about to rain down an orgy of spins, mud slinging, baby kissing, hand shaking, and leery smiling promises, only to completely renege as soon as they get in office. They should skip the $200 hundred dollar fundraiser dinners and take us right to the hotel, because you KNOW what happens next.

The campaign trail is nothing more than a glorified lap dance across America. “If you have money, I’ll show you what I MIGHT do for you.”

No one can say I’m not a Patriot. I’ve served this country proudly during my tenure in the United Sates Navy. But what the hell happened to the United States Congress? I remember how the Senate and the House of Representatives USED to be. Now, Congress is just one large brothel. Everyone is screwing and/or screwing over everyone else…literally. Let’s see if I have this right: U.S. taxpayers pay their salary, Congressmen in turn, listen to our needs in earnest, then decidedly do exactly the opposite. Sounds like a bad night in Vegas if you ask me.

Oh, and if you think for one second that the parties aren’t secretly working together behind our backs, you’re naive. Someone explain to me why as a nation of voters, there is only a two party system…waitaminute didn’t there used to be more? I wonder what happened to them? hmmm, go figure.

The President?  figurehead, scapegoat, fall guy, patsy, mark, sucker….I could go on, but I think you get my meaning. He does nothing. He can suggest until he’s blue in the face like the Na’Vi from Avatar. Don’t believe me? ok…the military: controlled by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. the Prez doesn’t make a move without them. Laws: nope. He can’t pass a bill unless Congress allows it. (and of course Congress is bribed by whoever has a lot of money, they’re called lobbyist.) So…what exactly is he doing again? Nothing, but misdirecting your hate. Or love , if you’re into that sorta thing. You sitting down? We haven’t had a real president since Kennedy. And “they” shot him for it. Oh snap, they shot Lincoln too…and a warning shot was all it took for Reagan to play along with the program.

Rape is termed as sexual intercourse with another person WITHOUT that person’s consent. The way we’re getting screwed, somebody needs to press charges on the House AND the Senate. It’s all about money. It always was. Scratch that, no it wasn’t. “WE THE PEOPLE” use to mean something. So much so that our forefathers began the constitution with it. I am going to quote something from Franklin and Jefferson to some of you unread denizens. (pick up a history book sometimes and stop reading People magazine.)

Benjamin Franklin:

“I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous than standing armies… if the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of currency… the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprave the people of their prosperity until their children wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

Thomas Jefferson:

“I am the most unhappy man. I have unwittingly ruined my country. A great industrial nation is now controlled by its system of credit.
We are no longer a government by free opinion, no longer a government by conviction and the vote of the majority, but a government by the opinion and duress of a small group of dominant men.”

Wow….we are soooo fucked.

Oh, one more thing: ALVIN GREENE?!? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU SOUTH CAROLINA!?!? SERIOUSLY? IT’S PAINFULLY OBVIOUS SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THAT DUDE. THE ENTIRE STATE CANNOT NOT BE THAT BLIND. DID YOU GUYS START UP INBREEDING? SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HIM!!!!!!! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

/rant off


I’ll have what she’s having…


I’m going to walk a very narrow line regarding this topic. You know how you hold an intervention for a drug user and they lash out at you? Well…..let’s just say denial isn’t just a river in Africa.

This topic goes out to Bridget and Mindy who threw this topic at me like plates at a Greek wedding.

Why is it that some women have relationships with men who are already in one.


Let’s examine our subjects, shall we?

The Man: He’s happy at home but….something’s missing. He’s not trying to work things out by communicating and he’s not leaving either. (yes, there are different variations, but hey….I’m not writing a book here.) consider this the default characteristic.

The Woman: chronic bad relationship finder, insecure, leads with her emotions. couldn’t find a good man if you put her in the million man march. And since women are more complex than men, I’ll offer more than one variation to her characteristics. The second type: fiercely independent, controlling, likes an “even table” (i’ll come back to that later). She snatches opportunities and doesn’t care who is cannon fodder. The third type: the platonic friend who’s the  “oops how did we get in this bed” chick. She’s not in it emotionally. She’s in it for the diznik…

We all know some of these people don’t we? Or you probably do, and don’t realize what their Modus Operandi actually is. But the question (before I dive off into a tangent) is why? I’ll answer that question with another question. Why is it that women’s menstrual cycles sync up after being in prolonged proximity of one another?

“She who ovulates first, has the babies”…doesn’t make a bit of sense does it?  Until you factor in we (both men and women) have a genetic primal code built right in our DNA. REPRODUCE AT ALL COSTS. So the syncing is a matter of competition in a sense, because if you’re not ovulating….somebody else is. And that someone else is getting the man you wanted for yourself. Then there’s that damned shortage. Macy’s had a sale on men and all you had left to pick from was the clearance rack.

We’re much more civilized than our cavemen brethren, so we don’t act on our  primal urges, but our body still responds as it has for a milennia. The competitive gene is still there, affecting your judgment and emotions and most importantly your logic. And let’s not forget about those ticking time bombs that are set to explode sometime in your late 30′s, early 40′s….yes, I’m talking about your ovaries.

Now along comes Jimmy Valiant. Man, he’s a nice guy. nice job. nice teeth. He’s tells you all about his family, and the fun they’re having. If only your last ex- boyfriend wasn’t so into feet and vegetable dip, you could’ve had all that. And he’s got nothing on Jimmy….He’s attractive, and he’s all but drunk off the amount of pheromones wafting off you like a hot pie in a window sill. tick…tick…tick, damn it’s not your watch! Uh oh, you can’t be cramping now….no worries, its your fallopian tubes doing pilates, getting ready. Why on earth is your body doing Kegel’s  right now?!?

Then it happens. Something that shouldn’t have but did, you feel guilty but you are enjoying yourself waaaaay too much to stop. It can’t end good can it?  Just listen to any country music and/or blues song to find out how it ends.

And there you have it. Thank you Bridget, Mindy, and this bottle of Moscato I finished off, while writing this entertaining piece on the fly.  Hit me up on Facebook again, and I’ll pen any topic you throw at me. Just don’t count on the accuracy….kidding!!! I’m right all the time.

Deuces.


Got Snacks?


Here we go. “Murica’s” new drug of choice…..food. The percentage of overweight/obese Americans is staggering. A nation of people hooked on food, like heroin junkies.

Does anyone eat for sustenance anymore? I mean c’mon, isn’t food meant to be eaten to survive? I guess if it ain’t smothered, covered, chopped, scattered, topped and peppered it ain’t right. Ever see a toddler refuse oatmeal because there isn’t enough sugar and butter in it? We are setting our children up for failure. Would you stick a crack pipe in a baby’s mouth? Meth addict, sugar addict….both make your teeth fall out. I’m just saying.

And before you go “no Dennis it’s not the same”, STFU and listen…stop setting your kids up for diabetes and other food borne ailments. Think about this: Some of you might be lactose intolerant. That means that your ADULT body has decided its had enough of a substance meant to nourish babies. Do you think there are any lactose intolerant people in Somalia or any Russians with peanut allergens?

Can someone explain to me why the Food and Drug Administration hasn’t stepped in to curb this food nonsense. Oh that’s right…money. Money and Monsanto. Google GMO foods and Monsanto. (just click the link)  That guy is Satan hellbent on killing you and your kids and “UOENO” that it’s happening right under your nose.

Marketing and media food gurus entice you with their captivating commercials, playing on your greediness and need for all things bigger. “yeah that burger I made you last time, it’s nothing… nothing…nothing…..compared to this burger. This burger right here, we call it “the whole cow”. You won’t have to eat for weeks.

Bigger, richer, fluffier, greasier, more decadent, more seasoned….mmmm taste all this flavor. And you have the nerve to wonder why you need liposuction. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be a glut AND be physically fit.

Yet I’m the freak because in my late 40′s, I workout like it’s my religion and eat healthy. And then there’s always the plethora of questions: How do you workout? What do you eat? What supplements do you take? Are you on steroids? Most people regard my answers as if I suggested they cut off a big toe. The fact is, every single day I wake up, I think to myself I can do better. I must do better. I will do better. I’m sorry that I have the willpower to avoid Dairy Queen’s XXL Blizzard shakes and those insidious Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

My competitive streak fuels me when my energy runs low and my alpha mindset kicks in. Shout out to Police Lieutenant Larry Kitchens, who try as he might, simply cannot keep up. Larry, if you’re reading this then you know I WON.  Admit defeat gracefully, and I promise to catch you up to speed. Or accept my official challenge: downstairs. police gym. date and time of your choosing. and we’ll invite the entire building.

Sorry, I’ve gotten off track.

I think I may have a solution. Put an end to serviced foods and grocery stores and bring back butchers and farmers markets. convenience kills. Show of hands, who grew up hunting and fishing? Did you teach your kids? Even I am remiss in that one. It’s time to get back to the basics in life.

Simplify your nutrition. Man….venison steaks sound good right about now.


Garlic crabs in a barrel


crabs in a barrelAfter a brief discussion about racial stereotypes with an old friend of mine, I think I’m more irritated than usual today.

It’s hard enough to deal with hidden agendas and the proverbial knife in the back, but when you’re forced to endure the “crabs in the barrel” attitude from your own people, it really stops you in your tracks and makes you take a hard look at society, culture and regional environments.

The Mason-Dixon line isn’t the only line drawn that some southerners secretly take pride in. Economic status, has always been a line that separates us, not only from a financial standpoint but a social one as well. When you successfully make that jump into the next tax bracket, you leave behind a few scratching heads wondering “how’d he do that?” That wonderment (also known as ignorance) turns to resentment. The end result? You now have a hater on your hands.

*Hater ~ from the urban dictionary perspective: a person who cannot abide another person’s success. Instead of being congratulatory, they make it point of exposing the person’s flaws. The thought process isn’t outright hate, it’s the desire to take that person down a peg or two in the eyes of mutual peers. Mostly to distract those peers from the hater’s own inabilities, flaws and other idiosyncrasies.

Now, let’s add some water to that grease fire shall we?  Break a few racial stereotypes, think outside of the box, or just blaze your own trail in way NOT typically known to be done by your ethnicity group and watch what happens.

As a black person, go rock climbing, or as a white person, become a rapper. White muslim? Jewish AND indigent? Depending on where you are regionally, you’ll be known as “selling out”, or acting something that you’re not. People are creatures of habit like that. Sad, but undeniably true.

Change upsets conformity.

When they see “different” then something must be wrong. Are we really hard wired like that?

My friend Anthony is a cyclist. He’s pretty good. But because cycling isn’t seen as a “black” sport, he’s operating outside of the known stereotype, and now he’s taking heat from his peers, accusing him of being something he’s not. really? Small minded people should just quit breeding. Ignorance begets ignorance.

While visiting family back home, I ran into a childhood friend. After reminiscing a bit, he pulls me to the side and asks, ” Hey dawg, so how long were you locked up for?’ See… for this jackass, military training and 15 years of bodybuilding equate working out in the penitentiary recreation room.

This is a very large world we live in. Get off your close-minded, prejudiced, one tracked, “I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday”, asses and experience something new. Talk to someone different. Walk another route. Go visit another country. Stop wallowing in your own ignorance and for God’s sake stop educating yourself via reality TV and Fox News (can people really not see their agenda?!)

FYI, we have some of the dumbest kids on the planets. Thanks failed parents! Let’s have more Honey Boo Boo’s and Plaxico Buress’s in the world. Yeah, I went there and no that ISN’T stereotyping. that’s a fact. Shanghai, Singapore and Hong Kong are making our kids look stupid. Literally.  Google it.  Nevermind. Here I’ll do it for you: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101240945

through playing with y’all…..damn.


10 things your mother forgot to tell you


Mothers often pass down unwritten rules to their daughters to prep them for the real world. To you ladies that missed out and/or didn’t listen, this is for you. And suffice to say, it is FAR from complete. It’s just a few tidbits of what I’ve garnered in my 40+ years of existence. Some of you will gripe. I don’t care……you’re mad because I’m right.

10. Cook all you want…but a man prefers sex over biscuits any day of the week. The key to a man’s heart is comprised of many different things. cooking for him is at the bottom of that totem pole.

9. the tomboy/girl next door thing is cute, but your man still wants a lady. Keep rocking ballcaps and tennis shoes if you want. You’ll find yourself in the dugout being replaced by a new relief pitcher at the bat. (no pun intended).

8. His friends aren’t really “your” friends. He doesn’t trust them and neither should you. Especially his drinking buddies. Use common sense, before you find yourself in an awkward situation.

7. It really is all about the “Presentation”. the hippie movement isn’t making a comeback and you’re not from some obscure European country. groom yourself….muttonchops on the inner thigh is nasty.

6. Your BFF of many years will sleep with your man and go shopping with you the very next day. Yep, there are women like this, and the funny part is that they aren’t skanky or slutty. They want to test drive what you have. plain and simple. sad, but true.

5. If you don’t want to raise a dysfunctional son:

a. don’t separate him from his father (a good father) even in a divorce.

b. don’t bad mouth the father(at least within earshot of your child).

Why? because once you crush a boy’s hero…once you remove his mentor, his blueprint to life, who is he going to learn from? you? no offense single moms, you don’t have the kahunas to turn a boy into a real man…there must be a male role model in his life.

4. Do not bring your dates around your children too soon. that’s such a great example of relationship building…..not. your daughter will mimic you, and your son will assume you’re easy. (and that’s putting it nicely). Oh, and the kids will tell their father, who will roll up on your new boy toy and threaten him, effectively scaring him away.

3. Number four leads into three…Just like sons need fathers, daughters need their mothers. you are her blueprint to womanhood. She’s watching you and mimicking all of your actions….ALL OF THEM. the phrase, “do as I say, not as I do” is null and void. so it goes without saying, if you’re on the pole….

2. Feminism…for the most part, is cool if you’re a lesbian or a bitch. (I can hear emails flooding my inbox now).

1. Feminism and independence go hand in hand. and too much of that said independence will usurp your man’s headship. Doing this WILL cause him to resent you. He’s going to feel castrated. Yeah, I grew up old school, but far from chauvinistic as you probably have formed that opinion of me already (which I’M NOT). Look, if you’re really feeling incensed over what I’ve written, let me soothe your ruffled feather a bit. Even though I grew up in the bible belt, I’ve never been given to quoting biblical references. Generally, I let my actions speak for me, but… 1 Corinthians 11:3 ” Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of every woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.

As I said before, this list is far from complete. But if you only take one thing from this blog, make sure you understand that raising your children APPROPRIATELY comes first. As a man, my goal is to ensure my son is prepared in all aspects of life. To make his journey easier than mine, to tutor him on life’s trek. Ladies…THAT IS THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR DAUGHTERS.


Facebook Episode 1


I have a confession. I stealth on Facebook and hide myself online because my friend’s list is 85% friends and 15% unknown psychotic waiting-to-have-an-episode nutjobs. So…better send me a message, cause I will never “pop” online…ha ha.

I don’t even know where to start with Facebook. Between the virtual farm crack addicts or Facebook admin giving pantie shots of my privacy away. There’s SO much. And it’s daunting for some. Why are you sitting behind your monitor laughing, knowing your best friend’s page is jacked up, or the girl you graduated high school with somehow manages to murder the english language via text as if she were illiterate. but we graduated together….right?

*steps up on soapbox* ATTENTION AVERAGE FACEBOOK USERS! You are not Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, you are not John Fitzgerald Kennedy…stop with the quotes and the “positive” messages. You motivate no one but yourself. Now, if someone messages you and tells you that your message helped them make it through the day, by all means keep it up…but after, oh let’s say 9 or 10 posts of cut and pasted plagiarization and you get zero feedback, you lose 128,125,128,523 points in motivational skills and should move on to recipes for crock pots. *steps down from soapbox*

So Facebook has become the virtual social hub of our existence. Our identity online right? Yet some of you…I ain’t saying names, have been on Facebook for at least a year with no picture (or an up to date one). Who are you hiding from? Or should I say, what are you hiding from us? You in witness protection? Were you horribly disfigured? Do you not own a digital camera? Actually, the last one isn’t an excuse….turn your phone over and push the button on the side.

No pic in a year? Delete your account today.

There is just sooo much wrong with Facebook, yet I faithfully log in to “see” what my family and friends are up to, post pics of weekend activities, and report the weirdos.

My message of the day Facebook users: Moderation is key. Too much of a good thing is bad for you.


More Cushion for the Pushing?


belly fat Any other day, I’d bypass this subject and wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m sitting at home sick as a dog, channel surfing. I see the Tyra Banks Show (re-runs obviously) about women loving men with big bellies. And then the subject was broached on Facebook. So I have to ask ladies…REALLY?

Because I heard a lot of lies. lies. lies. Maybe it was to save face, or maybe it was the fact that they no longer consider their lover’s body part of the equation of love. Maybe it’s all about the dollars and to hell with the body. I don’t know, I’m just trying to gain a little perspective.

See…I know without a shadow of doubt that some women don’t like skinny guys. I used to be just that. Being skinny as a rail, trying to talk to a dimepiece is a futile attempt  no matter what your charming smile or winning looks have done for you in the past. Some women don’t roll that way. They want a physical man who can handle himself and be able to bring food to the table. I get that.

But beer bellies? I’m heavily into the gym/fitness thing and I am a pretty sizable guy. At 42 years old, 232lbs, I still have no gut. Am I to believe, I’d lose out to the fat guy at the end of the bar with a bucket of Natural Light beer?  To quote the fictional senator Clay Davis from HBO’s the Wire, “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”

Muscle>Fat everyday, all day.

Guys, PLEASE do not fall into this sitcom reality TV show/facebook  tomfoolery. Get your asses in the gym. Nevermind what women think….ok scratch that(what was I thinking), consider your own health for a minute. Abdominal obesity can kill you (indirectly). Not to mention affecting the lead in your “pencil”. It’s a sure sign that your estrogen levels are rising. And I’m hoping I don’t have to break THAT one down to you.

Our abs are quite useful. When you find them again, you can email me and thank me for getting rid of your back pain and improving you sex life. Abs act as a stabilizer for your torso and a gyroscope for your….hell, if you didn’t know all this time, you might be outta luck on the latter.

Ladies (just the ones that like big men), tell your man the truth, yes you want a big man for the comfort and joys of life. One that can also handle himself and protect you. A guy that can be that “blanket” you want. You don’t want a guy who runs around making jokes about his “tool shed”. Encourage your big man to go walking, ease him into the cardio. Before you know it, he’ll be able to “see” himself again and won’t have to reach blindly for it.

Am I too harsh? Probably. Am I an insensitive ass? Definitely. Listen I know there are conditions which prevent some men from exercising and/or eating right. To those guys, I’m sorry…this isn’t meant for your eyes. I’m strictly referring to those 30-40 somethings who are fully ambulatory yet down kegs of beer at happy hour, talking about “yeah I’m gonna start working out again”. Meanwhile their wives and girlfriends are on the Tyra Banks Show talking about, “Tyra, my big bellied man is putting it down”.

“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit”.


Clash of the Titans 3D


I am not a movie critic. Nor do I express the desire to become one in the near future. But when filmmakers of the remake start to pull an R. Kelly on it’s audiences SOMETHING has to be said.

I don’t even know where to start first. Oh, wait…yes I do. WHERE IS THE 3D?!? Did I really just spend extra money on a feature that enticed me in the first place, only to see a handful of scenes ACTUALLY in 3D? At some point in the movie I snatched the stupid glasses off and watched normally. It’s gotta be a new plot to make people sit and look like asses with ineffective horned rimmed glasses on. Some producer is laughing his ass off as everyone becomes honorary members of the Geek Squad.

After realizing I’d been R Kelly’d (if you really have to ask, you should probably go lie down, its past your bedtime), I noticed something else: This movie is the “cliff notes” of the original in 1981. You know how you fast forward x 4 shows on your DVR? That’s precisely how it felt watching this movie.

To the average movie goer, It’s an dumb plot, slightly action packed CGfest. For me I felt duped, let down, my intelligence insulted, in other words, pissed on by the director of this film. I’ll have you know they actually made shit up totally incongruent with mythology.  Any fan or student of Greek mythology will let you know right away that Medusa IS NOT a Titan. She’s of the Gorgon familial. What? I wasn’t a muscle head all my life, I kept my head in books. Greek Mythology was one of them.

One more thing: In the beginning of this movie they narrate to you the relationship between the Titans and the Olympic gods. The Titans are the fathers of Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. They even tell you that Hades created the Kraken in order to defeat the Titans. If someone can point out to me a Titan clashing against anyone in this movie, I’ll pay you cash.

If my memory serves me correctly I can name a few Titans. Kronos, Hyperion, and Rhea. They are a few of the popular ones not in this movie. This movie was essentially about Zeus vs Hades with a frigging lightsaber thrown in for good measure (no I’m not making that last part up).

I wish I had two extra hands so I could give this movie 4 thumbs down.

To Regal Cinemas, YOU FAIL SO HARD ITS INEXPLICABLE!  UPGRADE YOUR STADIUM SEATS AND HIRE PROFESSIONAL CLEANERS!  Movie theaters aren’t supposed to smell like nursing homes. And anyone 6′ft and above has no leg room.

~finis


The Return


He’s coming back to the game. And as much as his peers will hate it, they will also welcome him back with open arms. All while making snide comments behind his back. No, it isn’t Brett Favre and it sure as hell ain’t Jordan. It’s Eldrick. And before you get your panties in a bunch asking who Eldrick is, I’ll tell you.

Eldrick Tont Woods…affectionately (and intimately) known as Tiger. Now, there is absolutely nothing about Tiger Woods that I could expound upon that the media hasn’t already filleted and gutted a million times already, except for one thing. Why he got caught. (no, not why he did it, why he got caught).

Tiger Woods is an island unto himself. That kinda makes it hard to do dirt when you’re visible from the weather channel’s satellites. Secondly, he went against the grain of every celeb/athlete’s mantra. He had no Entourage.

Entourage (read: boys who you pay and trust to do YOUR dirt and take the fall). These people are made up of people you know before the fame and fortune and when the shit hits the fan, will gladly scoop it up.

Celebs with entourages usually have a bad image of boozing party hounds, so Tiger refrained from having one, not realizing their true purpose. Damn, hindsight’s a bitch ain’t it?

But let me make myself really really clear. In no way do I condone Mr. Woods infidelities. He was stupid and got caught with his hands, feet and who knows what else in the cookie jar. Apparently, he thought he was a college frat boy. I remember my college days, (barely). I felt unstoppable. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning something about me burning out before I turned 25 (guess what mom, it was sooner…).

I didn’t have an entourage but I had friends I trusted impeccably. Question is, who does Tiger trust? It’s kinda funny though, because real tigers hunt solo, at night and ambush their prey. The two legged tigers we know use Patron Margaritas….or cereal.

If only he had one good friend to say “I don’t think its a good idea, let’s go” We wouldn’t be reading about all this nonsense now. But you know what, it’s not all his fault.

Let’s back up a sec. So the wifey had no idea? She was clueless? Yeah right, whatever. If the handwriting is on the wall, you just don’t apply a fresh coat of paint. Let’s not forget this has been going on for years, and she just now decided to bash his head in? A one eyed man with a cataract could see she didn’t care what Tiger did UNTIL it was about to become public knowledge.

So why are people so hellbent on what Tiger is or isn’t doing? Americans (some of us) are boring, mundane hum drum people who live their lives vicariously through someone else. Everyone wants to shake up their lives and do something wild and off the cuff but is afraid to. That’s why Vegas is so popular. What? you thought it was because of the casinos? Kill yourself now and help the census.

People like to commune socially. That’s why everyone is in everyone else’s business and personal affairs. And when celebrities and/or an athlete’s business come to light…oh boy, the fireworks fly. Tiger’s affairs were, socially speaking “a multiple orgasm” for the media and it’s endearing public.

The man liked to get his multicultural penis wet. He’s also given billions in charity benefiting children. Does this make it right? Hell no it doesn’t. Not at all. But tell me…what has your trifling baby’s daddy contributed other than his seed?

Stop casting stones. Welcome back Tiger.


New Year’s Resolution? Who me?


Happy New year!  It’s that time isn’t it?  Time to make that new years resolution.

‘I’m gonna lose weight”

“I’m gonna save money”

and my all time favorite, (one that I can speak on) “I’m gonna work out and get in shape”.

Yay…I for one, welcome January. I’ll get all the cannon fodder I need for my blogs right in the gym.  Here’s a question I’ve been wanting to ask so many people. Why do you need a certain time of the year as an excuse to do something that you’re NOT going to stick with year round only to make the exact same excuse at the same time next year? I stopped making resolutions a loooong time ago. I figured out that obviously, I never wanted to do said resolution in the 1st place or I would have done it a lot sooner.

I get it though..sorta. a new year. a new beginning. a new you. Thing is, this could work with other holidays as well.

Easter… “Resurrect a new you”.

July 4th…”Celebrate independence from the old you”

Christmas.. “the birth of a new you”

New Years is just another holiday excuse. Let me give you a few synonyms for the word excuse according to Brittanica: apology , cleanup, cop-out, cover up, evasion, subterfuge, justification, plea…see where I went with that?

Hey, if you stick with your fitness program…great, awesome. I owe you an heartfelt apology and I’ll offer you my personal help and assistance. But my money’s on the ones who just paid up for a whole year at their local gyms and will be outta there by……mmm, let’s say March. It won’t even be 30 days for some. C’mon, I haven’t spend the last 13 years of my life in a gym and not have noticed.

I see you…on the phones, wearing makeup, scoping out potential mates (ok nothing wrong with that part), socializing like the gym is a club without a liquor license. Refusing a trainer and still working out wrong, holding up the machines that real gym members need. And you wonder how can you work out for so long and not see any results.

I didn’t forget about you weekend warriors (part timers in the gym). you have a little definition, so you swagger around the gym after you bench 225, flexing like you’re in the Arnold Classic, grunting like you’re in a strongman competition, wearing your little brother’s wifebeater so you can appear bigger. Tipping the scales at 220lbs does not put you in the big boy club (unless you’re 5’9). These guys usually quit after they tear a muscle from lifting improperly.

Ladies, ladies, ladies…there are sporting goods stores that sell non-tight fitness gear. So there won’t be any need to tie a shirt around your waist to cover up all that ass you’re trying to hide. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Don’t buy it, and we won’t look. Thus negating the need to cover up what you thought was sexy in the sporting goods dressing room. If men decided to wear loincloths in the pilates class, it would take you outta your game just a little bit wouldn’t it? Mmhmm, thought so. It’s all good til the shoe is on the other foot. Or, to put in more simpler graphic terms…til there’s a large penis in your face and you begin to remember why you’re working out in the first place.

All in all, its going to be fun times these first few months. I have a few goals of my own as well. Only I made them back in October ;)

See ya in the gym!


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