The Pessimist, the Cynic, and the Ne’er Do Well
Please….shut up already, you leech, you vampire, you succubus. I can feel you draining all of my optimistic soul with your chronic complaining and pessimism. Yes life is a struggle, I get it. Just stop talking about how miserable your life is and DO something about it.
I have my own issues to contend with. I’m making positive strides forward, then you come along with your black cloud of mope and despair overcasting my day. Fortunately, I have one of those pro golf sized “mental umbrellas” to keep me dry from your gale force tirades of drama. Spare me your relationship episodes, you’re not David Duchovny on Californication. I could care less about how your wife emasculates you….wait, what did you call it, “she’s assertive and likes wearing the pants” so instead of watching the playoffs Sunday afternoon, you’re down at the flea market shopping for discounted trinkets and bootleg romantic comedy dvd’s.
The next person to attempt to trample one of my good spirited days with their “cup is almost empty” demeanor, deserves a Rick James to Charlie Murphy open handed slap. Seriously. I’m on a mission. Because your train derailed, you want to plant bombs on my tracks? If life is sooooo bad, give up. Stop trying. Kill yourself. More food for us. Still here? Pussy…or is it that your life isn’t that bad afterall huh?
The next step isn’t so easy. Depressing people travel in packs, infecting others like a virus adding to the collective. You have got to break away from the other crabs if you want to change your mindset. And don’t think they won’t notice. “why’d you stop calling? oh, you too good to hang with us now? Hey I just wrecked my car for the 3rd time can I get a ride? Hey girl, so and so was talking about you. I just wanted to let you know. What’s up man, I just quit my bullshit job. Naw, I ain’t got nothing lined up just yet tho…mind if I hang out for a few days?”
Good luck escaping. If you did manage to escape, your circle is extremely smaller now isn’t it? Google+ won’t be happy (lol if you don’t get that it’s ok, the joke wasn’t for you).
I had an intellectual discussion with a good friend of mine last night until 3am. It’s amazing what conversations stem from Grand Marnier and blue mist hookahs….I digress, where was I? One topic involved goals, aspirations, and the means to reach them. Have you met yours? what prevented you? what’s stopping you now? At what point do you concede? the conclusion obviously, is that the infrastructure of any goal you set forth is planning. Then it hit me like a ton a bricks. 35-40% of the people I knew, didn’t plan for shit. Most of them are already out of my life, the few remaining handful will probably become case studies for this blog in the near future.
It’s 2012 people. time to become extremely independent and get off the teat. Bad things will happen soon. PLAN AHEAD.(damn have I been infected by the cynics?) Time to develop some survivalist skills just in case of some post apocalyptic scenario. I recommend the three H’s. Hunting, Horticulture and Whoring…yes yes I know, I know. It was just fun to say.
Through playing with y’all.
Ain’t Life A Niche…
Overzealous, overconfident, overactive, and today…..over reaching. I’m the biggest advocate of stepping out of the box, breaking away from the norm and doing or being different. That said, we each have our own roles to play in life. Our own talents, our own gifts. Our very own little niche.
I know, (as much as I loathe to admit it) I cannot be everything to everyone. The sky IS the limit, but the ugly truth is that the ceiling varies for different people. My gifts, my creativity, my talents will only get me so far. Your talents may or may not get you farther or faster. Everyone has a cap. I will never work for NASA, be a chemical engineer, or a college math professor. Why? Because I absolutely detest math and anything of its ilk. Besides…it’s a right brain function, and we all know artists (the left brain users of the world) can’t stand prolonged use of the right side. It just isn’t natural to us.
So I’m just gonna do me. All the things that I’m good at, my special niche in life: writing, fitness, counseling, electronics, computers, photography, fighting, loving, drinking and hell raising. and not necessarily in that order.
(did me taking an exam really just snap me outta my writer’s block?) Hallelujah, I’m back!
Anatomy 101
I had a bit of an epiphany in the gym this morning. It dawned on me that most people go their entire lives without realizing what their very own bodies are physically capable of. It’s funny to me. Mainly because in my youth, I was literally thin as a walking stick. Had it not been for that fateful day in Chicago at the Naval base, where I (a basketball fanatic) was dunked on by a semi pro player.
That pivotal moment changed me. Angered and blinded by the fact that someone broke through my defense, I subbed out and left the court…right into the weight room. while the 1st two years were a clueless waste of time, the next 13 years became a crusade to become bigger and stronger. Years of muscle sprains, tendonitis, deep tissue massages, and gallons of protein later, here I am remaining steadfast on my personal crusade to be the fittest I can be.
But not most people….the average person doesn’t think about it until a fit person walks up next to them. Then there’s a moment of self-pity that’s quickly forgotten as soon as the “hot and fresh doughnuts” sign lights up at Krispy Kreme.
The human body can do sooo much! It’s astounding the amount of resiliency and strength it has. It can be shaped and molded, made stronger, faster. It can endure miles and miles of running. Each and every person has their very own machine to tweak and customize as they see fit. But 89% of you don’t. It’s the equivalent of taking a Ferrari and letting it sit for years exposed to the elements.
I’m curious. What’s it like? You know, getting old AND weak/feeble. I’ve got the old part down pretty well. The weak and feeble part, mmmm… not so much. If I had to guess, I’d say it’d be like the aging male lion succumbing to a younger stronger male lion over rights to the pride/pack. It’s a safe bet that there will be no young studs taking over my pack ANYTIME soon. God willing, working out will be a staple in my life, as much as breakfast and sex. (and I’m not trying to give that up anytime soon either)
Extend your life/livelihood. Take care of your body as you would your car, house, your lawn….whatever you deem of value and importance to you.
Train hard. Indulge later.
Bittersweet November
Well now….I think I’m most certainly convinced without a shadow of doubt that our country is nowhere near being out of the “recession” and things are steadily declining.
Why? Because two weeks ago I lost my job due to downsizing. I was numb at first. Kind of in a haze for a week or two. Then oddly enough, I started feeling better. As if a weight was lifted? I don’t know, I can’t explain it. I am still sorting through it, but outside of the financial hit, I feel great.
I think I must be imagining things, because this morning when I looked in the mirror some gray hairs had receded and that monkey on my back, crashing those tambourines in my ear wasn’t there.
I now enjoy my pumpkin spiced coffee on the porch without gulping it down, while watching my rottie do his business near (in) my neighbor’s yard (what? her cats shouldn’t be on my Z ,but it happens). I think it’s safe to say, I will end out this year ABSOLUTELY stress free.
2011 will be another thing altogether….My resumé is shining, but I don’t even know if I want to remain in the same field. Hell, I don’t know if I want to remain in the same country while this mess is going on. However, as always I’ll persevere and look good while doing it.
If I was of the superstitious lot, I’d say November is a bad month for me considering what happened last November, but I’m not. This is most definitely a blessing in disguise. My path has been lain out in front of me. I just need to uncover it.
Now where’s that damn leaf blower?
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
I feel you Aretha. Without respect, a man isn’t one. Lack of it will always lead to a disastrous conclusion. Me? I’d take respect over fame and money anything day of the week.
So. What exactly is the correct path to follow when there’s a personal affront to your manhood? Wisdom dictates removing yourself from said situation. Easy if the assailant is a complete stranger, not so easy if you’ve known the individual for awhile and their viewpoint of you has changed for whatever reason. A little tougher if it’s a long time friend or family member.
Yeah, you can communicate and talk about it, but since no one’s budging, you’re back to square one. This is why brothers don’t speak to one another for 15 years a pop, or cousins only visit every other holiday. It also affects marital bliss.
So what do you do, when you are bred with a ceiling-less pride and taught to be respectful and expect it always? When the nuclear arms talk fail utterly, and war is imminent…what do you do?
It comes down to our primal responses: Fight or Flight. I’m not speaking a “physical” fight (not this time). But a fight aimed at getting the respect you deserve. Or do you take a hit to your manhood, the very core structure of who you are, and concede.
NEVER.
……and I ain’t about to write a damn song asking for it either.
Defining Moments
Hmph. Ok, so I googled myself today. Well, I actually googled my site today and I gotta say I’m a little miffed right now. There seems to be a lot of “alpha male” how to’s and do it yourself kinda sites….and of course being curious, I checked out a few of them. And I was mildly surprised at what I found.
Has it really gotten so bad that lame guys have to write books about how to pick up women? Wow. I kinda feel bad for them in a sense. All this “how to be an alpha male”…how to walk, talk, and act like one to score chicks. You ARE kidding me, right?
Alright let me clarify something real quick. Lames, please take note, (get your #2 pencils out).
BEING ALPHA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN, YOU JACKASSES….. Being Alpha comes down to respect, leadership and your ability to maneuver in any given situation. Other men see it and give deference to it or challenge it . It’s never been about women. That’s just a side benefit that we gloat in the faces of the loser. Think of it as a “look what I have and you don’t and if you get one , I can easily take it away from you” kinda thing.
No manual is going to teach that. Deep down in your heart , you will still be lame. Let me expound upon that for a sec.
LAME: a characteristic of an individual who puts forth no effort in life, one who succumbs to his defeats. someone who sits idly by and waits dependently. a person lacking confidence, self esteem, and self- dignity….anyone buying a book to pick up women.
And not to besmirch women, (because they have their own catty thing going on that we can only scratch at the surface of), but they generally like a man’s three “P” abilities. Provide, Protect, Procreate. There is nothing you can tell me that doesn’t come full circle into this. Try me….I haven’t had to teach a class in awhile. Any mature adult male knows this whether he admits it or not.
It’s easy as breathing. It’s something I’m not even aware of most times. It’s how I think on a subconscious level (hence, the title of this blog). I won’t go so far as to say you have to be born with it…and money certainly won’t empower you with it either.
You have it or you don’t. Deal with it and move on. Stop speaking in baritone when you’re really an alto, quit copycatting and be yourself. Give up the books on how to get laid and focus on your self respect and dignity. Maybe then will a woman of grace give you the time of day.
Just do you.
Facebook, Episode 2 (the awakening)
So….we are still piling terabytes of personal data into facebook servers. Guess what? It’s learning. Of course not like Skynet (Google and Apple will merge later to form that), but Facebook is evolving to become one large interactive advertisement that you create. Look, see that section of interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes you just told the world about? Marketing companies have complete dossiers on millions of people. For free….well maybe not free. Facebook execs are making billions off the info.
All in the name of social media. “Social media” uses web based tech to turn communication into interactive dialogues. Any of you had an FB friend go rogue on you yet? It starts out friendly and platonic, then one day a weird post shows up on your wall and you’re not quite sure what to make of it and ignore it. That’s your interactive dialogue for you. Some crazy possessive nutjob now knows you like moo shu pork on wednesdays at PF Chang’s and like to chill at Sahara’s hookah bar on Friday’s. Time for you to go off the grid…
Hey! It’s your birthday! you just had 600 people wish you happy birthday, yet you’re home alone miserable with no presents. 6 out of the 600 are genuine. Why? because they’re family, the rest just got a notification and they felt compelled to click on the link. They could care less about how old you are.
Hey, you know those games you play on Facebook? Every single one of the them asks your permission to bypass all the the security protocols put in place. Didn’t read ANY of the agreement page before clicking accept did you moron? Nope, but your farmville cows need hay don’t they and daylight’s burning. Farmville will be the death of someone…..wait wait wait, it already is. Click the link for more details. Girl kills baby for interrupting farmville
That is the saddest thing I’ve heard all year……..
I’m totally convinced. Humanity has reached it’s apex. It’s all downhill now. Some of us have slipped down the slope of demise, despair and degradation a little quicker than others. Is it Facebook’s fault? Nah….but it certainly doesn’t take away from the insanity of instant communication.
I want to deactivate my account soooo badly! But, I choose to take advantage of the wonderful marketing arena and advertising whirlygig that is Facebook. Hell…half of you got to this site via FB. Can’t be all bad, can it?
Got Snacks?
Oh boy. Here we go.
Food has become the new drug of choice, and the percentage of overweight/obese Americans is staggering. Some medical polls have that number as high as 63%…wow. A nation of people hooked on food, like heroin addicts needing a fix.
Does anyone eat for sustenance anymore? I mean c’mon, isn’t food meant to be eaten to survive? Not anymore…if it ain’t smothered covered chopped scattered topped and peppered it ain’t right. Ever see a toddler refuse oatmeal because there isn’t enough sugar and butter in it? We are setting our children up for failure. Who in their right mind gives a baby a crack pipe?
It’s the same addiction.
“No Dennis it’s not the same”, STFU and listen…stop setting your kids up for diabetes and other food borne ailments. Think about this: Some of you might be lactose intolerant. That means that your body has decided its had enough of a substance meant to nourish babies. Do you think there are any lactose intolerant people in Somalia or any Russians with peanut allergens?
Can someone explain to me why the government body known as the FDA hasn’t stepped in to curb this food nonsense. Oh that’s right…money. Marketing and media food gurus entice you like drug dealers. “yeah that burger I made you last time, it’s nothing… nothing…nothing…..compared to this burger. This burger right here, we call it “the whole cow”. You won’t have to eat for weeks.
Bigger, richer, fluffier, greasier, more decadent, more seasoned….mmmm taste all this flavor. And you have the nerve to wonder why you need liposuction. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be a glut AND look good.
Yet I’m the freak because I’m in my 40′s, workout like it’s my religion and eat healthy. And then there’s the questions: What do you do, how do you do it? My answer: I have the willpower to avoid Dairy Queen’s XXL Blizzard shakes and the fact that ever single day I wake up, I think to myself I can be better. My competitive streak fuels me when my energy runs low. I simply refuse to look like “that guy”.
I think I may have the solution. Put an end to serviced foods and grocery stores. That’s right, no more restaurants or grocery stores. No more convenience.
Kinda lose your appetite when you think of having to hunt and kill your own food huh?
Mmm…venison steaks anyone?
Garlic crabs in a barrel
After a discussion about racial stereotypes with an old friend of mine (sup Anthony G.), I think I’m more irritated than usual today.
It’s hard enough to deal with hidden agendas and the proverbial knife in the back, but when you’re forced to endure the “crabs in the barrel” attitude from your own people, it really stops you in your tracks and makes you take a hard look at society, culture and regional environments….or maybe, that’s just me.
The Mason-Dixon line isn’t the only line drawn that some southerners secretly take pride in. Economic status, has always been a line that separates us…from a financial standpoint anyway. And when you successfully make that jump into the next tax bracket, you leave behind a few scratching heads wondering “how’d he do that”? That wonderment (also known as ignorance) turns to resentment. The end result? You now have a hater on your hands.
Hater ~ a person who cannot be happy for another person’s success. Instead of being happy, they make it point of exposing the person’s flaws. Their thought process isn’t really hate, it’s to knock that person down a notch.
Now, try breaking a few racial stereotype and see what happens. As a black person, go rock climbing. Or as a white person, become a rapper. Depending on where you are regionally, you’ll be known as “selling out”, or acting something that you’re not. People are creatures of habit. Change upsets their conformity (which is why a certain political figure is fighting a losing battle). When they see “different” then something must be wrong. Are we really hard wired like that?
Like I said, crabs in a barrel….my friend Anthony is an up and coming cyclist. He’s pretty good. But because cycling isn’t seen as a “black” sport, he’s operating outside of the known stereotype, he gets accused of being something he’s not.
While visiting family back home, I ran into a childhood friend. After reminiscing a bit, he pulls me to the side and asks, ” Hey dawg, so how long were you locked up for”? See… for this imbecile, military training and 14 years of bodybuilding resemble working out in the penitentiary recreation room.
This is a very large world we live in. Get off your close-minded, prejudiced thinking, one tracked, “I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday”, asses…and experience something new. Talk to someone different. Walk another route. Stop wallowing in your own ignorance and for God’s sake stop educating yourself via television.
through playing with y’all…..damn.
More Cushion for the Pushing?
Any other day, I’d bypass this subject and wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m sitting at home sick as a dog, channel surfing. I see the Tyra Banks Show (damn, she is still fine!) about women loving men with big bellies. And then the subject was broached on Facebook. So I have to ask ladies…REALLY?
Because I heard a lot of lies. lies. lies. Maybe it was to save face, or maybe it was the fact that they no longer consider their lover’s body part of the equation of love. Maybe it’s all about the dollars and to hell with the body. I don’t know, I’m just trying to gain a little perspective.
See…I know without a shadow of doubt that some women don’t like skinny guys. I used to be just that. Being skinny as a rail, trying to talk to a dimepiece is a futile attempt no matter what your charming smile or winning looks have done for you in the past. Some women don’t roll that way. They want a physical man who can handle himself and be able to bring food to the table. I get that.
But beer bellies? I’m heavily into the gym/fitness thing and I am a pretty sizable guy. At 42 years old, 232lbs, I still have no gut. Am I to believe, I’d lose out to the fat guy at the end of the bar with a bucket of Natural Light beer? To quote the fictional senator Clay Davis from HBO’s the Wire, “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”
Muscle>Fat everyday, all day.
Guys, PLEASE do not fall into this sitcom reality TV show/facebook tomfoolery. Get your asses in the gym. Nevermind what women think….ok scratch that(what was I thinking), consider your own health for a minute. Abdominal obesity can kill you (indirectly). Not to mention affecting the lead in your “pencil”. It’s a sure sign that your estrogen levels are rising. And I’m hoping I don’t have to break THAT one down to you.
Our abs are quite useful. When you find them again, you can email me and thank me for getting rid of your back pain and improving you sex life. Abs act as a stabilizer for your torso and a gyroscope for your….hell, if you didn’t know all this time, you might be outta luck on the latter.
Ladies (just the ones that like big men), tell your man the truth, yes you want a big man for the comfort and joys of life. One that can also handle himself and protect you. A guy that can be that “blanket” you want. You don’t want a guy who runs around making jokes about his “tool shed”. Encourage your big man to go walking, ease him into the cardio. Before you know it, he’ll be able to “see” himself again and won’t have to reach blindly for it.
Am I too harsh? Probably. Am I an insensitive ass? Definitely. Listen I know there are conditions which prevent some men from exercising and/or eating right. To those guys, I’m sorry…this isn’t meant for your eyes. I’m strictly referring to those 30-40 somethings who are fully ambulatory yet down kegs of beer at happy hour, talking about “yeah I’m gonna start working out again”. Meanwhile their wives and girlfriends are on the Tyra Banks Show talking about, “Tyra, my big bellied man is putting it down”.
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit”.
Clash of the Titans 3D
I am not a movie critic. Nor do I express the desire to become one in the near future. But when filmmakers of the remake start to pull an R. Kelly on it’s audiences SOMETHING has to be said.
I don’t even know where to start first. Oh, wait…yes I do. WHERE IS THE 3D?!? Did I really just spend extra money on a feature that enticed me in the first place, only to see a handful of scenes ACTUALLY in 3D? At some point in the movie I snatched the stupid glasses off and watched normally. It’s gotta be a new plot to make people sit and look like asses with ineffective horned rimmed glasses on. Some producer is laughing his ass off as everyone becomes honorary members of the Geek Squad.
After realizing I’d been R Kelly’d (if you really have to ask, you should probably go lie down, its past your bedtime), I noticed something else: This movie is the “cliff notes” of the original in 1981. You know how you fast forward x 4 shows on your DVR? That’s precisely how it felt watching this movie.
To the average movie goer, It’s an dumb plot, slightly action packed CGfest. For me I felt duped, let down, my intelligence insulted, in other words, pissed on by the director of this film. I’ll have you know they actually made shit up totally incongruent with mythology. Any fan or student of Greek mythology will let you know right away that Medusa IS NOT a Titan. She’s of the Gorgon familial. What? I wasn’t a muscle head all my life, I kept my head in books. Greek Mythology was one of them.
One more thing: In the beginning of this movie they narrate to you the relationship between the Titans and the Olympic gods. The Titans are the fathers of Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. They even tell you that Hades created the Kraken in order to defeat the Titans. If someone can point out to me a Titan clashing against anyone in this movie, I’ll pay you cash.
If my memory serves me correctly I can name a few Titans. Kronos, Hyperion, and Rhea. They are a few of the popular ones not in this movie. This movie was essentially about Zeus vs Hades with a frigging lightsaber thrown in for good measure (no I’m not making that last part up).
I wish I had two extra hands so I could give this movie 4 thumbs down.
To Regal Cinemas, YOU FAIL SO HARD ITS INEXPLICABLE! UPGRADE YOUR STADIUM SEATS AND HIRE PROFESSIONAL CLEANERS! Movie theaters aren’t supposed to smell like nursing homes. And anyone 6′ft and above has no leg room.
~finis
The Return
He’s coming back to the game. And as much as his peers will hate it, they will also welcome him back with open arms. All while making snide comments behind his back. No, it isn’t Brett Favre and it sure as hell ain’t Jordan. It’s Eldrick. And before you get your panties in a bunch asking who Eldrick is, I’ll tell you.
Eldrick Tont Woods…affectionately (and intimately) known as Tiger. Now, there is absolutely nothing about Tiger Woods that I could expound upon that the media hasn’t already filleted and gutted a million times already, except for one thing. Why he got caught. (no, not why he did it, why he got caught).
Tiger Woods is an island unto himself. That kinda makes it hard to do dirt when you’re visible from the weather channel’s satellites. Secondly, he went against the grain of every celeb/athlete’s mantra. He had no Entourage.
Entourage (read: boys who you pay and trust to do YOUR dirt and take the fall). These people are made up of people you know before the fame and fortune and when the shit hits the fan, will gladly scoop it up.
Celebs with entourages usually have a bad image of boozing party hounds, so Tiger refrained from having one, not realizing their true purpose. Damn, hindsight’s a bitch ain’t it?
But let me make myself really really clear. In no way do I condone Mr. Woods infidelities. He was stupid and got caught with his hands, feet and who knows what else in the cookie jar. Apparently, he thought he was a college frat boy. I remember my college days, (barely). I felt unstoppable. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning something about me burning out before I turned 25 (guess what mom, it was sooner…).
I didn’t have an entourage but I had friends I trusted impeccably. Question is, who does Tiger trust? It’s kinda funny though, because real tigers hunt solo, at night and ambush their prey. The two legged tigers we know use Patron Margaritas….or cereal.
If only he had one good friend to say “I don’t think its a good idea, let’s go” We wouldn’t be reading about all this nonsense now. But you know what, it’s not all his fault.
Let’s back up a sec. So the wifey had no idea? She was clueless? Yeah right, whatever. If the handwriting is on the wall, you just don’t apply a fresh coat of paint. Let’s not forget this has been going on for years, and she just now decided to bash his head in? A one eyed man with a cataract could see she didn’t care what Tiger did UNTIL it was about to become public knowledge.
So why are people so hellbent on what Tiger is or isn’t doing? Americans (some of us) are boring, mundane hum drum people who live their lives vicariously through someone else. Everyone wants to shake up their lives and do something wild and off the cuff but is afraid to. That’s why Vegas is so popular. What? you thought it was because of the casinos? Kill yourself now and help the census.
People like to commune socially. That’s why everyone is in everyone else’s business and personal affairs. And when celebrities and/or an athlete’s business come to light…oh boy, the fireworks fly. Tiger’s affairs were, socially speaking “a multiple orgasm” for the media and it’s endearing public.
The man liked to get his multicultural penis wet. He’s also given billions in charity benefiting children. Does this make it right? Hell no it doesn’t. Not at all. But tell me…what has your trifling baby’s daddy contributed other than his seed?
Stop casting stones. Welcome back Tiger.
Mid-Life Madness
I’m bored.
In less than 12 hours I’ll age another year, and yet I am completely unfazed. All the rhetoric surrounding birthdays is designed to do what exactly? The cakes, the parties, the sheer drunkeness (if that’s your kind of thing) is supposed to be a celebration of life? Or…is all the fanfare and festivities just a mere distraction from what you should be doing. Self evaluation. a gut check. I like to think of birthdays as milestone markers where I take out my compass and see what direction in life I’m headed in.
My friends think that I become a somber cynical rattlesnake the days surrounding my birthday. The truth… my eyes are wide open to everything. In my deepest moments of self reflection, I see things from an “outside looking in” standpoint where I become super critical of myself and the world as I see it. All the facades, all the bs we normally take on the chin, all the societal dances that we do, all fade away for me during this time. I gotta tell you, it’s all funny as hell. Straight up comic relief. I can’t help but to laugh at the lengths we go through. Why? to get a job? to get a date? to get the respect you deserve? to be someone else’s idea of a “good” person? Every year, I take a step away from the “norm”. And when I look back, I say to myself, “what the hell was I thinking?!”
Man, why couldn’t I have had this mentality 20 years ago? We all say it, Hindsight is 20/20. I’ve actually come to realize that wouldn’t have been a good move for me. I know now that it was, and still is the journey not the destination, that’s where all the fun stuff happens. The path lesser walked. Google maps ain’t gonna get me there.
This upcoming year I’m going off-road. See ya in 2010.
PS. Shout outs to the drunken Christmas carolers of Middleburg, Florida. FYI, ghetto rednecks, booze and a tortured version of “Silent Night” is not a good look. lmfao. WHO FRIGGIN CAROLS THESE DAYS?!? I should add…with sincerity. I still love you guys tho…
Lock and Load
Let me get straight to it. I was robbed. My car was vandalized and some pretty nice audio and video equipment was stolen. No biggie, This is why we pay gobs of money to our insurance companies.
What I AM having, is a hard time accepting the fact that with all my size strength and intelligence, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop it. I cannot shake it off. As a protector and defender of my family, I feel like I was caught slipping.
I’ve been talking to and reading about victims of theft and burglary, and how they feel violated and helpless. Yep, that’s sounds about right. What’s worse, this feeling of paranoia has me extremely protective of my family. More so than normal. If I was a scary bear before, I am certainly not to be poked or prodded now.
My family as a group will be obtaining concealed weapon permits and enrolling in a firearms class (not that I need it),but since we’ve become a Glock carrying family, it stands to reason that a family that shoots together….
Overkill? Hell no. Turn your television on. Go to any news channel, and realize that your time is coming soon. It’s just a matter of time before you become a statistic. Doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, the country’s crime rate has increased exponentially over the last few years.
Even if you consider yourself safe from theft, what’s your perverted neighbor across from you REALLY thinking of you? And to you guys trying to put another notch in your players card, two words for you: Steve McNair (RIP). Is it me, or does it seem that everyone in the world has lost their damned minds.
I won’t even bring up the recession. That alone is driving the indigent to extremes never before seen. Like breaking into my car parked at a four star hotel on friggin THANKSGIVING…
All of my close friends will tell you I’m not and never will be a gun advocate. Personally, I prefer the up close and personal hands on beat down.
But extreme times call for extreme measures. I’ll be waiting, locked and loaded.
To quote the comedian, Cedric the entertainer…”I WISH a motherf%#ker would…”
Training Day
It’s week two. And I’m in the hurt locker.
You know, that special place of pain where no muscle, tendon, or ligament escapes the soreness and lactic acid build-up from weightlifting and exercise. Serves me right for “taking some time off”. Apparently, exercise is meant to be a regular ongoing thing in life. Don’t believe me? Pretend for a sec that we had no luxuries. I mean medieval times. You had to hunt your own food. Find your own water. Build your own shelter and protect it. Yeah… it wouldn’t do good to be soft now would it? Technology has made us all weaker. But I simply refuse to subscribe to “bitchassness”. (Sorry, no other word more accurately describes it).
Maybe the military had a little bit to do with my exercise mindset, but I really think it’s my competitive spirit the drives me. Lord knows, my cousin and I (sup Fred!) have been trying to “one up” each other since kindergarten. From beanpoles in our twenties, to athletes in our thirties, to serious contenders for bodybuilding competitions in our forties. We’ll be in our seventies still trying to out bench each other.
(tangent alert), is it me, or are people quick to point out the fact that you work out? Actual conversations:
random guy: “dude, do you work out?”
Me: “nooo, I’m a librarian. these muscles come from lifting books all day”.
random guy: “man, that chick is hot! She’s like a six foot Amazon!”
me: yeah, but I think she like guys that can actually sweep her off her feet and NOT get a hernia.
Okay, I’m wrong for that, but here’s the thing: fit people are only semi attracted to non-fit people. food and sex will only go so far (who am I kidding, food and sex will go a long way). It really helps to be compatible physically though.
When you hear a person saying the reason they work out and exercise is to feel better about themselves, they are only telling you half of the truth. The other half? It’s a secret.
I’ll tell you the other half when you meet me in the gym. Tomorrow is triceps, biceps, shoulders and abdominals from hell day.
Mmm, fun.
Carnivores VS Herbivores
I like meat. Correction: I love meat. To me, meat comes second only to…well, you know. Sex.
I’ve wanted to talk about this subject for some time now, so to all my vegetarian buddies who think meat is so bad for you…please listen up.
The truth? It’s the carcinogens (aka the free radicals) from the preparing of meat that is a danger. You know…the frying, the grilling, the smoking. (personal digestive issues excused).
Now I’m certainly not advocating eating raw meat by any means ( my grilled Thai chicken will make you slap someone). But, ever hear of a lion, tiger or a wolf with heart disease or diabetes? Didn’t think so.
If you’ve sworn off meat for medical or biological reasons, such as the inability to effectively break down meat and pass it….different ballgame and no slight to you. But Vegans who swear off meat just because “it’s gross” or you think all cute furry animals shouldn’t be eaten, rest assured there is no plate for you at my BBQ.
Vegans are also soft. Mmhmm, that’s right. Soft. Step up and prove me wrong and I’ll show you a vegan whose been lying to his friends and deepthroating hardees thickburgers or mega dosing a ton of protein supplements.
Simply put, not getting enough protein will cause the body to break down muscle to compensate for the lack of protein in your diet. This is known as a catabolic state. Bodybuilders hate it. Vegans revel in it. Hence the “softness”.
The RDA(recommended daily allowance) for protein is 50 grams. Really? Seriously? I average 1.5-2 grams times my lean body weight divided by six meals. You Tom Cruise’s and Christian Bale’s of the world (you know, little tv action figures) need only 1 gram per pound of body weight..
The FDA and their cookie cutter RDA’s are solely responsible for the 80% obesity rate in this country. Who needs that many carbs on a daily basis anyways? Oh yeah, wanna know why sodium and cholesterol aren’t on any RDA food chart? Because then food companies would have to clean up their act and stop serving you garbage. They pay their lobbyist waaay too much money to grease the wheels of the FDA for that.
The RDA is a joke. “Know thy self”, don’t rely on someone telling you how to eat. Discipline yourself. No one’s going to do it for you.
“You are what you eat” has never been a truer statement. Did I really say Vegans were soft?
Why yes I did…
Volume Control
You know that friend of yours that talks REALLY loud?
So loud in fact, that you have to remove the phone from your ear, or back pedal away from them to avoid the spittle? It’s not their fault. It is however, their coping mechanism. The majority of them are extroverts. Outgoing, bright, optimistic, sunny people who want to brighten your day(and move the spotlight from all the skeletons in their closets).
Go ahead, just try to get a word in edgewise on these boisterous bubbly braggadocios blow hards (say that 4 times fast) and watch how their volume increases incrementally to over talk you. A normal conversation is now a shouting match. Your friend will then pull out a megaphone to finish his/her statement FTW (for the win).
As soon as I recognize the signs (the ability to hold 3 conversations at once and lead them all), I prepare myself for bouts of silence.
That’s right, the nemesis to these amplified vocal beings…the anti-talker. If I’m interrupted more than twice in a conversation, I shut up. Obviously that individual isn’t interested in a meaningful conversation and one of my major pet peeves is having to repeat myself. Being forced to repeat myself makes me want to cripple people. (update: I’m no longer crippling people, the treatments work!) Once you stop talking, they realize their mistake however briefly. But like a broken radio knob, they return to full volume in no time at all.
There are SOME advantages to having a loud talker around.
Planning an event? Just remember it’s good to have at least two or more loud talkers at a party or function. Ensure there is an even number of them and your party will be a success as they cancel each other out simultaneously livening up the scene.
This can sometimes backfire however, creating another insidious loud talker: the alcohol induced loud talker.
Oh yeah… now you have to contend with breath, spittle and at times become a leaning post. Because drunks wobble. There is nothing you can do but shred the napkin (aka the coaster) that your drink is sitting on and stuff it in your ears to protect your ear drums. A face shield would be nice, but it’s not too aesthetic in social settings.
Remedy: Introduce him or her to the person next to you and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Works like a charm, trust me. Let them slobber and shout all over that person.
The Chameleon and the Hater
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Yeah…i’m sure that applies to the 99.9 percentile, but let’s talk about the “haters” for a moment, shall we? 1st, let’s define the modern term “hater”. We all heard it in some form or fashion, in a literal or theatrical sense. But let’s break it down for the less urban demographic:
Hater
Noun;
1. One who hates.
2. (slang, pejorative) One who expresses unfounded or inappropriate hatred or dislike, particularly if motivated by jealousy.
Great. we all can define what or who a hater is. But what the hell do haters and chameleons have in common? I’m getting to that but first let’s define what a chameleon is.
Chameleon
Noun;
1. A small to mid-size reptile, of the family Chamaeleonidae, and one of the best known lizard families able to change color and project its long tongue.
2. A person with inconstant behavior; one able to quickly adjust to new circumstances.
Now….When you have an individual that can’t stand the ground you walk on, and will erase every footprint you leave behind, all the while secretly admiring your swagger, taking notes on your designer fashion, the books you read, eyeballing your tech,wearing your cologne, mimicking your kung fu (well, feebly at best): Hater/Chameleon hybrid
I find it amusing these days. Something that used to send me into beast mode, simply makes me smile and shake my head. Even more so; I’ve come to take pity on them. Maybe it was a bad childhood. No friends, no girls, you know…”the straight home from school get your ass in the room” kinda childhood. No interaction with peers…no wait. No EQUALITY amongst peers, will drive you to do weird things. The hater/chameleon hybrid has to imitate everything it sees in order to give the perception of being able to relate. Yet, to see the Alpha (ha ha) do things it will never attain: the winning touchdown,getting the really fine girl, and getting the respect of all the guys is enough to set the hater’s blood boiling, sending it into an ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) rage.
Here’s what’s funny though. the hybrid believes that it’s invisible. It thinks that we can’t actually see it wearing our style, our gear, studying our moves. It doesn’t know that we can see it spreading hate and discontent behind our backs. It doesn’t realize we can hear all the things it’s saying to place itself in a positive light meanwhile working to place us in a negative one.
I was once told that success was measured by the amount of haters you had. Really? Because it gets old after awhile and you just want to recommend therapy to the hater. Waitaminute, hater rehab….that’s not a bad idea.
Bizzaro World
WTF?!? Something is in the water. There HAS to be. It’s a good thing my house has a sturdy filtration system.
disclaimer: if you are a Jacksonville Florida native , you might be offended, for that I apologize in advance……nah, I’m kidding. I ain’t sorry. There’s something REALLY wrong with y’all.
I needed to renew my car tags yesterday and I made the mistake of going to the DMV on a Friday. What the hell was I thinking, right? The Department of Motor Vehicles is always crowded. There really is never a good time to go. But what I saw actually gave me a “maybe I should consider leaving Jacksonville, Florida ” moment.
Ok, to help get you into my state of mind: I’m a huge sci-fi guy. a gamer. a huge book reader. a techie. and a big gym rat. (essentially a geek trapped in a jock’s body). I have a semi photographic memory which allows me to store a mental image and pull it up months or years later to compare it to another image with deadly accuracy. That’s a snapshot of me…
I pull into the DMV parking lot. It’s packed as usual, no biggie. It’s when I walked in the door that I realized I was in a whole new dimension. My personal. living. breathing. twilight zone. I’ve been back in Jacksonville for 13 years (excluding my military time) and I have not seen people like this. All nationalities, all races, all religious backgrounds…….all mutants.
I mean, damn. The term “dregs of society” just doesn’t cut it. Was I on the “extras” set for District 9? I’m thinking to myself, any minute now the camera crew is going to pop out with Ashton Kutcher’s goofy ass all up in my face. But no, just a lady eyeballing me with this huge knot on her arm like something was under there. Popcorn. If you could get popcorn underneath your skin. She had to have been a mind reader, because I was thinking, “please get the f*ck away from me”, and she left immediately.
I hadn’t even taken a number yet and a lady nursing 7 kids like a golden retriever starts yelling she’d been skipped. Ok, maybe it wasn’t 7, but there were a lot of them. There’s 5 in a litter right?
At this point, I’m trying to regulate my breathing, and focus on getting my tags renewed. My mind is still racing….I don’t even see people like this in Wal-Mart at midnight. (By the way, I recommend going to Wal-Mart during the witching hour for entertainment if ever you’re bored.) At this point, I’m feeling like the butcher just set out fresh ground beef and there was a sale. Maybe it was me, but I’m almost sure I heard someone whisper, “brains”.
Jacksonville, Florida is not the Florida you see on tv. We do have the weather and the palm trees, but that is as far as it goes. The beautiful people with no jobs migrate further south. Jax is a working man’s town. But before the economic down turn, if you had some sense, jobs were good. I have to mention that Jax sits extremely close to the Georgia border. A lot of people call Jacksonville “lower georgia” for that reason. Maybe that explains the freakshows and the “hills have eyes” people I saw in the DMV.
95% of my friends and their friends all moved here… lots of corporate, industrial and military types. We all hear the same saying all the time. “Y’all aint from round hea, is you”?
Mmm hmm, the mutants need fresh DNA strands. The inbreeding can only go so far until the deformities are obvious. And then they go hang out at the DMV.
Orlando is looking better everyday.
Common sense is not common
I wish I had a dollar for all the stupid things I see people do on a daily basis. Apparently I’m an alien residing on the planet O.C.D. I’m not sure what drives the decision making process in some people but damn…just breathe, slow down, fire off a couple of gray matter neurons and assess a situation before making a total imbecile of yourself.
Pet peeve #1. your car isn’t faster than mine. Stop trying to cut me off, speed up and/or block me from passing. Trying to “out accelerate” my Nissan 350z in a truck, SUV, sedan or anything else that doesn’t have over 400 horses under the hood is going to get you embarrassed.
Pet peeve #2. Women who wear makeup to the gym. Seriously. WTF is that all about? In 12 years of working out I’ve never seen anything more asinine. 5 to 7pm in the gym is like happy hour minus the booze so apparently she’s one of those DW’s. (see my last post)
Pet peeve #3. Guys who believe their own lies so much, they create their own reality. For the record, when you’re recruiting for your “multi million dollar” real estate business, it’s probably not a good look to wear Pro Keds, Walmart faded glory jeans and drive a 1987 Ford bronco that OJ wouldn’t drive. Nevermind that your flea market brand Ed Hardy actually reads “Ned Hardy”.
I know that we are driven to do strange things and act out in strange ways by our environment, hormones and senseless peer pressure ploys designed to make you act like you haven’t received home training…but I guess as long as no one gets hurt, providing us a laugh at your dumb ass shenanigans is ok. It’s all fun and games til someone gets the “brakes beat off them”.
What’s that smell?
I’m really trying hard to be as unbiased as I possibly can when I say this: Ladies…desperation is not a good look. I should probably elaborate a bit more, “being desperate in getting a man” is not a good look. Yeah, I know there are guys who are just as desperate, but I’m not one of them and I’ll be damned if I hang around those losers, so I ain’t writing about them…yet.
I can smell it you know (no, not the Dolce & Gabanna or that Avon knockoff), the desperation. Seeping outta their pores like next day tequila. That 4th quarter hurry up offense to score…A woman’s game clock, it’s a shame there’s no overtime…. Ovaries, apparently are like time bombs. You gotta use em before they explode. Huh, who knew?
Almost every time I’m out, I get that look. You know the look I’m referring to: that extra linger-look away-then look again-smile look. It’s THAT look men love to get. It brings back that untainted school boy in all of us. That “yeah, I’m the sh*t” feeling.
It’s the wild eyed, “I haven’t had any sleep because I can hear my fallopian tubes cracking” that scares the bejesus out of men.
I had a T-Pain experience at Chili’s the other day. Hanging with the guys, killing the 2 for 1 all night drinks specials when the bartender says “a lady is buying you a drink”. Cool, I turn down nothing but my collar…
It happened in slow motion (at least for me it was). I saw the approach, I saw the smile, I saw the switch in her hips that screamed “I’M FERTILE”. Then I saw the look of disgust when she caught the light’s reflection from my platinum diamond wedding band. It was like someone had messed up her $85 dollar perm. She wasn’t even cordial when I offered to return the favor. Maybe it was the walk of shame back to her table or the giggling schoolboys that my friends turned into.
Most of all, I’m sure it was the disappointment. I felt bad for her in a sense. She looked weathered/tired in the dating game. You know how desert travelers see mirages and get that burst of excitement and energy only to find out it’s nothing there? Yeah, like that.
What can you do? As long as we have the genetically encoded primal need to procreate there will always be trials in finding a mate. That goes for both men and women, but its just funnier to me when women have to do “the walk of shame”. Divine retribution? maybe.
