Ride or Die Chick
This is dedicated to my boy, my executive protection teammate. SEMPER FI! May we always stay on point and full of ammo.
Ladies. where do you stand? where do you draw the line? what’s the limit of your abilities? You want to know what men talk about? “Wrote a song about it, wanna hear it, here it go.” Ok, before I dive deep into this topic let me clarify real quick. The title may move some of you to believe it’s a “thug” related blog. WRONG. Couldn’t be farther from the truth.
“Ride or die chick”…..A quick google search will have you believing that a ride or die chick is a woman that will simply fight with and for her man. um yeah…that’s the little boy’s definition. If your man is “hood”, under 26, wakes up and smokes weed, and/or makes less than 20k LEGALLY, wears skinny jeans and/or sags, I’m referring to him.
For us professionals….a woman who can blend in with the fellas COMFORTABLY, ie; sports, games, etcetera etcetera, attend a debutante ball with the poise of a princess, sit in on a board room meeting and close the deal, knock back shots at happy hour, and go from urban to proper vernacular in the blink of an eye, is a ride or die chick.
She doesn’t have to fight for/with us….although a sub compact 25 or snub nosed 38 in the purse is an added bonus, it’s irrelevant.
A man wants a well versed and well rounded(not literally fat asses) mate. If you persist in keeping to some of the old ways, you’re going to find yourself matronly and alone. and who want’s that? A lot of you in Jacksonville Florida, based on all the stories I’m hearing. Yes, Jacksonville…I just put some of your trifling asses out there. Again. What’s wrong with you hillbillies and hoodrats? Thank God I imported….
All I hear is, my girl, my wife, my significant other, is verbally (sometimes physically) trying to emasculate me. Is this thing on? Ladies wanting a successful relationship “STOP MAKING A PUNK OUT OF YOUR MAN”. The very moment you disrespect his manhood, you have just pushed the emergency eject button on the relationship. Seriously….no MAN (notice the caps) is going to tolerate that bullshit and remain faithful to you. Oh, he’ll still sleep with you{because let’s face it sex IS sex) but he won’t give a damn about you. Nope, he’ll continue looking for that one. His end all be all.
So…continue not catering to your man. Continue your petty games in which you seek to control, steer, and ration. good luck with that. Not all men aren’t mesmerized and entranced by the vajayjay. Correction YOUR vajayjay….there’s some next door.
By the way, to you ladies referencing that Steve Harvey book. Last I checked every single relationship is different. no set rules. no set boundaries. how the fuck can Mr caterpillar mustache’s interpretations help you? His experiences, his relationships….yeah, his advice is a solid match and will fit along perfectly in yours. Not.
My advice? No, not my advice, it’s been around for ages…”What it took to get your mate is what it’s going to take to KEEP your mate”. Switch the game up midstream if you want, and find yourself in a book club with other matron singles who hadn’t felt a man’s crotch since the Clinton administration.
Through playing wit cha’ll.
10 Things Your Father Forgot To Tell You
Happy Father’s Day to all the daddy’s of the world. I’d like to start by saying my father is legend to me. The absolute best compliment I’ve ever gotten is when someone says “you act/look like your father”. my father epitomizes a gentle heart and strengthened resolve. I can only hope to match that. My unyielding thirst for knowledge was passed down through him.
Some of you weren’t so lucky. Manhood is a tough thing. There are standards, boundaries, rules that apply. A lot of you missed them for whatever reason….here are the cliff notes.
- Respect is a reciprocal thing. In order to get it, it must be given. Only good things can happen within these boundaries. Step out of the circle of respect and chaos is sure to erupt in some form or fashion.
- No one is going to take care of you past a certain age. Everything your parents have been telling you thus far was to prep you for a solo run at life. I know you’ve seen the failures…you don’t want to go that route. 30 years old at home with momma? fail. Stop asking for handouts, their nest egg isn’t yours. The retirement money doesn’t belong to you, junior.
- Travel. Out of the state. Out of the country. It’ll broaden your small minded view on life all while learning cultures you never knew existed except for on tv. If you thought your prom queen was the hottest thing since old episodes of Baywatch, you’re an idiot. Women vary by region, state, and country with different mindsets than your high school sweetheart “Peggy Sue”. If you are still single, relocate. you’ll be mildly surprised at the difference in the attitudes of women of other area codes.
- Invest. Remember “he who has the most toys wins”? Well, those toys cost. A lot. Mutual funds, CD’s, Stocks (get a financial planner early kid).
- Your Word. If it comes out of your mouth, then DO IT. Mean it and never go back on it. People will respect you on your word alone in some cases. Don’t be a lying little weasel that deserves to be kicked in the balls. Hmm…maybe I could start a trend, kick all liars in the ball sack. Wait no, we’d have to castrate ALL politicians and government officials…I digress, where was i?
- Babies. This is a no brainer. Keep your dick in your pants or use a condom if you aren’t ready to be a daddy. How do you know you aren’t ready to be a daddy you ask? If you can’t support yourself. meaning: If you can’t provide your OWN shelter, food or clothing, what makes you think you can care for an infant whose solely dependent upon you for continuing to live? Babies require sacrifice of your livelihood. Sending the baby to grandma for days on end is shirking YOUR responsibility scum bag.
- Never raise your hand to a woman. If you lucked up and got an psycho aggressive bi-polar crazy chick, therapy IS NOT going to help. Run away from that relationship like someone just fired a starter pistol. If you just like hitting women because it makes you feel strong, come see me. I’ll message you my address and we can determine just how strong you are…prick.
- Public drunkenness is not cool. You look like an idiot because you are an idiot. Maintain your dignity. Women like dignity.
- A woman is going to leave you or cheat on you if your sex game isn’t up to par. Oh..she’ll wait it out a bit to see if there’s any improvement, but rest assured, she’ll be on the clock for some quality dizznik. Don’t be one of those guys we laugh at behind your back. Because there’s another thing: she will tell just how bad you are. it’s a damn shame. But it’s true. Yeah, she might not tell the world, but she’s got at least one confidant that knows you ain’t shit. Elevate your game or the only thing you’ll be riding is the bench.
- So…you got yourself together. Career’s going, got nice man toys, got a great lady and baby makes three. congratulations, it ain’t over. The knowledge, the hard work, the perseverance now need to be poured into your child. If you allow someone else to teach your child about life, you tripped up right at the finish line. If your child is a failure it’s because YOU failed that child. no one else. Prepare your son or daughter to sidestep all of the hardships and struggles that you went through. make it easier for them. After all, they are your legacy. Teach them everything, but place a timeline on that gift of knowledge. Too many times have I seen parents rearing their preteen kids for some adult type circumstance while the kid is more interested in his/her robots or dolls. Puberty, adolescence, adulthood have their place and are fundamental for a child’s psyche. don’t ruin that.
If you were lucky enough to have been blessed with a father to teach you some of these things, then by all means call him up today and say thank you for making me a better individual. But the truth is, he’s knows it already and is extremely proud of your accomplishments thus far.
R.E.S.P.E.C.T
I feel you Aretha. Without respect, a man isn’t one. Lack of it will always lead to a disastrous conclusion. Me? I’d take respect over fame and money anything day of the week.
So. What exactly is the correct path to follow when there’s a personal affront to your manhood? Wisdom dictates removing yourself from said situation. Easy if the assailant is a complete stranger, not so easy if you’ve known the individual for awhile and their viewpoint of you has changed for whatever reason. A little tougher if it’s a long time friend or family member.
Yeah, you can communicate and talk about it, but since no one’s budging, you’re back to square one. This is why brothers don’t speak to one another for 15 years a pop, or cousins only visit every other holiday. It also affects marital bliss.
So what do you do, when you are bred with a ceiling-less pride and taught to be respectful and expect it always? When the nuclear arms talk fail utterly, and war is imminent…what do you do?
It comes down to our primal responses: Fight or Flight. I’m not speaking a “physical” fight (not this time). But a fight aimed at getting the respect you deserve. Or do you take a hit to your manhood, the very core structure of who you are, and concede.
NEVER.
……and I ain’t about to write a damn song asking for it either.
Defining Moments
Hmph. Ok, so I googled myself today. Well, I actually googled my site today and I gotta say I’m a little miffed right now. There seems to be a lot of “alpha male” how to’s and do it yourself kinda sites….and of course being curious, I checked out a few of them. And I was mildly surprised at what I found.
Has it really gotten so bad that lame guys have to write books about how to pick up women? Wow. I kinda feel bad for them in a sense. All this “how to be an alpha male”…how to walk, talk, and act like one to score chicks. You ARE kidding me, right?
Alright let me clarify something real quick. Lames, please take note, (get your #2 pencils out).
BEING ALPHA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN, YOU JACKASSES….. Being Alpha comes down to respect, leadership and your ability to maneuver in any given situation. Other men see it and give deference to it or challenge it . It’s never been about women. That’s just a side benefit that we gloat in the faces of the loser. Think of it as a “look what I have and you don’t and if you get one , I can easily take it away from you” kinda thing.
No manual is going to teach that. Deep down in your heart , you will still be lame. Let me expound upon that for a sec.
LAME: a characteristic of an individual who puts forth no effort in life, one who succumbs to his defeats. someone who sits idly by and waits dependently. a person lacking confidence, self esteem, and self- dignity….anyone buying a book to pick up women.
And not to besmirch women, (because they have their own catty thing going on that we can only scratch at the surface of), but they generally like a man’s three “P” abilities. Provide, Protect, Procreate. There is nothing you can tell me that doesn’t come full circle into this. Try me….I haven’t had to teach a class in awhile. Any mature adult male knows this whether he admits it or not.
It’s easy as breathing. It’s something I’m not even aware of most times. It’s how I think on a subconscious level (hence, the title of this blog). I won’t go so far as to say you have to be born with it…and money certainly won’t empower you with it either.
You have it or you don’t. Deal with it and move on. Stop speaking in baritone when you’re really an alto, quit copycatting and be yourself. Give up the books on how to get laid and focus on your self respect and dignity. Maybe then will a woman of grace give you the time of day.
Just do you.
Facebook, Episode 2 (the awakening)
So….we are still piling terabytes of personal data into facebook servers. Guess what? It’s learning. Of course not like Skynet (Google and Apple will merge later to form that), but Facebook is evolving to become one large interactive advertisement that you create. Look, see that section of interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes you just told the world about? Marketing companies have complete dossiers on millions of people. For free….well maybe not free. Facebook execs are making billions off the info.
All in the name of social media. “Social media” uses web based tech to turn communication into interactive dialogues. Any of you had an FB friend go rogue on you yet? It starts out friendly and platonic, then one day a weird post shows up on your wall and you’re not quite sure what to make of it and ignore it. That’s your interactive dialogue for you. Some crazy possessive nutjob now knows you like moo shu pork on wednesdays at PF Chang’s and like to chill at Sahara’s hookah bar on Friday’s. Time for you to go off the grid…
Hey! It’s your birthday! you just had 600 people wish you happy birthday, yet you’re home alone miserable with no presents. 6 out of the 600 are genuine. Why? because they’re family, the rest just got a notification and they felt compelled to click on the link. They could care less about how old you are.
Hey, you know those games you play on Facebook? Every single one of the them asks your permission to bypass all the the security protocols put in place. Didn’t read ANY of the agreement page before clicking accept did you moron? Nope, but your farmville cows need hay don’t they and daylight’s burning. Farmville will be the death of someone…..wait wait wait, it already is. Click the link for more details. Girl kills baby for interrupting farmville
That is the saddest thing I’ve heard all year……..
I’m totally convinced. Humanity has reached it’s apex. It’s all downhill now. Some of us have slipped down the slope of demise, despair and degradation a little quicker than others. Is it Facebook’s fault? Nah….but it certainly doesn’t take away from the insanity of instant communication.
I want to deactivate my account soooo badly! But, I choose to take advantage of the wonderful marketing arena and advertising whirlygig that is Facebook. Hell…half of you got to this site via FB. Can’t be all bad, can it?
I’ll have what she’s having…
I’m going to walk a very narrow line regarding this topic. You know how you hold an intervention for a drug user and they lash out at you? Well…..let’s just say denial isn’t just a river in Africa.
This topic goes out to Bridget and Mindy who threw this topic at me like plates at a Greek wedding.
Why is it that some women have relationships with men who are already in one.
Let’s examine our subjects, shall we?
The Man: He’s happy at home but….something’s missing. He’s not trying to work things out by communicating and he’s not leaving either. (yes, there are different variations, but hey….I’m not writing a book here.) consider this the default characteristic.
The Woman: chronic bad relationship finder, insecure, leads with her emotions. couldn’t find a good man if you put her in the million man march. And since women are more complex than men, I’ll offer more than one variation to her characteristics. The second type: fiercely independent, controlling, likes an “even table” (i’ll come back to that later). She snatches opportunities and doesn’t care who is cannon fodder. The third type: the platonic friend who’s the “oops how did we get in this bed” chick. She’s not in it emotionally. She’s in it for the diznik…
We all know some of these people don’t we? Or you probably do, and don’t realize what their Modus Operandi actually is. But the question (before I dive off into a tangent) is why? I’ll answer that question with another question. Why is it that women’s menstrual cycles sync up after being in prolonged proximity of one another?
“She who ovulates first, has the babies”…doesn’t make a bit of sense does it? Until you factor in we (both men and women) have a genetic primal code built right in our DNA. REPRODUCE AT ALL COSTS. So the syncing is a matter of competition in a sense, because if you’re not ovulating….somebody else is. And that someone else is getting the man you wanted for yourself. Then there’s that damned shortage. Macy’s had a sale on men and all you had left to pick from was the clearance rack.
We’re much more civilized than our cavemen brethren, so we don’t act on our primal urges, but our body still responds as it has for a milennia. The competitive gene is still there, affecting your judgment and emotions and most importantly your logic. And let’s not forget about those ticking time bombs that are set to explode sometime in your late 30′s, early 40′s….yes, I’m talking about your ovaries.
Now along comes Jimmy Valiant. Man, he’s a nice guy. nice job. nice teeth. He’s tells you all about his family, and the fun they’re having. If only your last ex- boyfriend wasn’t so into feet and vegetable dip, you could’ve had all that. And he’s got nothing on Jimmy….He’s attractive, and he’s all but drunk off the amount of pheromones wafting off you like a hot pie in a window sill. tick…tick…tick, damn it’s not your watch! Uh oh, you can’t be cramping now….no worries, its your fallopian tubes doing pilates, getting ready. Why on earth is your body doing Kegel’s right now?!?
Then it happens. Something that shouldn’t have but did, you feel guilty but you are enjoying yourself waaaaay too much to stop. It can’t end good can it? Just listen to any country music and/or blues song to find out how it ends.
And there you have it. Thank you Bridget, Mindy, and this bottle of Moscato I finished off, while writing this entertaining piece on the fly. Hit me up on Facebook again, and I’ll pen any topic you throw at me. Just don’t count on the accuracy….kidding!!! I’m right all the time.
Deuces.
Garlic crabs in a barrel
After a discussion about racial stereotypes with an old friend of mine (sup Anthony G.), I think I’m more irritated than usual today.
It’s hard enough to deal with hidden agendas and the proverbial knife in the back, but when you’re forced to endure the “crabs in the barrel” attitude from your own people, it really stops you in your tracks and makes you take a hard look at society, culture and regional environments….or maybe, that’s just me.
The Mason-Dixon line isn’t the only line drawn that some southerners secretly take pride in. Economic status, has always been a line that separates us…from a financial standpoint anyway. And when you successfully make that jump into the next tax bracket, you leave behind a few scratching heads wondering “how’d he do that”? That wonderment (also known as ignorance) turns to resentment. The end result? You now have a hater on your hands.
Hater ~ a person who cannot be happy for another person’s success. Instead of being happy, they make it point of exposing the person’s flaws. Their thought process isn’t really hate, it’s to knock that person down a notch.
Now, try breaking a few racial stereotype and see what happens. As a black person, go rock climbing. Or as a white person, become a rapper. Depending on where you are regionally, you’ll be known as “selling out”, or acting something that you’re not. People are creatures of habit. Change upsets their conformity (which is why a certain political figure is fighting a losing battle). When they see “different” then something must be wrong. Are we really hard wired like that?
Like I said, crabs in a barrel….my friend Anthony is an up and coming cyclist. He’s pretty good. But because cycling isn’t seen as a “black” sport, he’s operating outside of the known stereotype, he gets accused of being something he’s not.
While visiting family back home, I ran into a childhood friend. After reminiscing a bit, he pulls me to the side and asks, ” Hey dawg, so how long were you locked up for”? See… for this imbecile, military training and 14 years of bodybuilding resemble working out in the penitentiary recreation room.
This is a very large world we live in. Get off your close-minded, prejudiced thinking, one tracked, “I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday”, asses…and experience something new. Talk to someone different. Walk another route. Stop wallowing in your own ignorance and for God’s sake stop educating yourself via television.
through playing with y’all…..damn.
More Cushion for the Pushing?
Any other day, I’d bypass this subject and wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m sitting at home sick as a dog, channel surfing. I see the Tyra Banks Show (damn, she is still fine!) about women loving men with big bellies. And then the subject was broached on Facebook. So I have to ask ladies…REALLY?
Because I heard a lot of lies. lies. lies. Maybe it was to save face, or maybe it was the fact that they no longer consider their lover’s body part of the equation of love. Maybe it’s all about the dollars and to hell with the body. I don’t know, I’m just trying to gain a little perspective.
See…I know without a shadow of doubt that some women don’t like skinny guys. I used to be just that. Being skinny as a rail, trying to talk to a dimepiece is a futile attempt no matter what your charming smile or winning looks have done for you in the past. Some women don’t roll that way. They want a physical man who can handle himself and be able to bring food to the table. I get that.
But beer bellies? I’m heavily into the gym/fitness thing and I am a pretty sizable guy. At 42 years old, 232lbs, I still have no gut. Am I to believe, I’d lose out to the fat guy at the end of the bar with a bucket of Natural Light beer? To quote the fictional senator Clay Davis from HBO’s the Wire, “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”
Muscle>Fat everyday, all day.
Guys, PLEASE do not fall into this sitcom reality TV show/facebook tomfoolery. Get your asses in the gym. Nevermind what women think….ok scratch that(what was I thinking), consider your own health for a minute. Abdominal obesity can kill you (indirectly). Not to mention affecting the lead in your “pencil”. It’s a sure sign that your estrogen levels are rising. And I’m hoping I don’t have to break THAT one down to you.
Our abs are quite useful. When you find them again, you can email me and thank me for getting rid of your back pain and improving you sex life. Abs act as a stabilizer for your torso and a gyroscope for your….hell, if you didn’t know all this time, you might be outta luck on the latter.
Ladies (just the ones that like big men), tell your man the truth, yes you want a big man for the comfort and joys of life. One that can also handle himself and protect you. A guy that can be that “blanket” you want. You don’t want a guy who runs around making jokes about his “tool shed”. Encourage your big man to go walking, ease him into the cardio. Before you know it, he’ll be able to “see” himself again and won’t have to reach blindly for it.
Am I too harsh? Probably. Am I an insensitive ass? Definitely. Listen I know there are conditions which prevent some men from exercising and/or eating right. To those guys, I’m sorry…this isn’t meant for your eyes. I’m strictly referring to those 30-40 somethings who are fully ambulatory yet down kegs of beer at happy hour, talking about “yeah I’m gonna start working out again”. Meanwhile their wives and girlfriends are on the Tyra Banks Show talking about, “Tyra, my big bellied man is putting it down”.
“Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit”.
The Return
He’s coming back to the game. And as much as his peers will hate it, they will also welcome him back with open arms. All while making snide comments behind his back. No, it isn’t Brett Favre and it sure as hell ain’t Jordan. It’s Eldrick. And before you get your panties in a bunch asking who Eldrick is, I’ll tell you.
Eldrick Tont Woods…affectionately (and intimately) known as Tiger. Now, there is absolutely nothing about Tiger Woods that I could expound upon that the media hasn’t already filleted and gutted a million times already, except for one thing. Why he got caught. (no, not why he did it, why he got caught).
Tiger Woods is an island unto himself. That kinda makes it hard to do dirt when you’re visible from the weather channel’s satellites. Secondly, he went against the grain of every celeb/athlete’s mantra. He had no Entourage.
Entourage (read: boys who you pay and trust to do YOUR dirt and take the fall). These people are made up of people you know before the fame and fortune and when the shit hits the fan, will gladly scoop it up.
Celebs with entourages usually have a bad image of boozing party hounds, so Tiger refrained from having one, not realizing their true purpose. Damn, hindsight’s a bitch ain’t it?
But let me make myself really really clear. In no way do I condone Mr. Woods infidelities. He was stupid and got caught with his hands, feet and who knows what else in the cookie jar. Apparently, he thought he was a college frat boy. I remember my college days, (barely). I felt unstoppable. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning something about me burning out before I turned 25 (guess what mom, it was sooner…).
I didn’t have an entourage but I had friends I trusted impeccably. Question is, who does Tiger trust? It’s kinda funny though, because real tigers hunt solo, at night and ambush their prey. The two legged tigers we know use Patron Margaritas….or cereal.
If only he had one good friend to say “I don’t think its a good idea, let’s go” We wouldn’t be reading about all this nonsense now. But you know what, it’s not all his fault.
Let’s back up a sec. So the wifey had no idea? She was clueless? Yeah right, whatever. If the handwriting is on the wall, you just don’t apply a fresh coat of paint. Let’s not forget this has been going on for years, and she just now decided to bash his head in? A one eyed man with a cataract could see she didn’t care what Tiger did UNTIL it was about to become public knowledge.
So why are people so hellbent on what Tiger is or isn’t doing? Americans (some of us) are boring, mundane hum drum people who live their lives vicariously through someone else. Everyone wants to shake up their lives and do something wild and off the cuff but is afraid to. That’s why Vegas is so popular. What? you thought it was because of the casinos? Kill yourself now and help the census.
People like to commune socially. That’s why everyone is in everyone else’s business and personal affairs. And when celebrities and/or an athlete’s business come to light…oh boy, the fireworks fly. Tiger’s affairs were, socially speaking “a multiple orgasm” for the media and it’s endearing public.
The man liked to get his multicultural penis wet. He’s also given billions in charity benefiting children. Does this make it right? Hell no it doesn’t. Not at all. But tell me…what has your trifling baby’s daddy contributed other than his seed?
Stop casting stones. Welcome back Tiger.
Mid-Life Madness
I’m bored.
In less than 12 hours I’ll age another year, and yet I am completely unfazed. All the rhetoric surrounding birthdays is designed to do what exactly? The cakes, the parties, the sheer drunkeness (if that’s your kind of thing) is supposed to be a celebration of life? Or…is all the fanfare and festivities just a mere distraction from what you should be doing. Self evaluation. a gut check. I like to think of birthdays as milestone markers where I take out my compass and see what direction in life I’m headed in.
My friends think that I become a somber cynical rattlesnake the days surrounding my birthday. The truth… my eyes are wide open to everything. In my deepest moments of self reflection, I see things from an “outside looking in” standpoint where I become super critical of myself and the world as I see it. All the facades, all the bs we normally take on the chin, all the societal dances that we do, all fade away for me during this time. I gotta tell you, it’s all funny as hell. Straight up comic relief. I can’t help but to laugh at the lengths we go through. Why? to get a job? to get a date? to get the respect you deserve? to be someone else’s idea of a “good” person? Every year, I take a step away from the “norm”. And when I look back, I say to myself, “what the hell was I thinking?!”
Man, why couldn’t I have had this mentality 20 years ago? We all say it, Hindsight is 20/20. I’ve actually come to realize that wouldn’t have been a good move for me. I know now that it was, and still is the journey not the destination, that’s where all the fun stuff happens. The path lesser walked. Google maps ain’t gonna get me there.
This upcoming year I’m going off-road. See ya in 2010.
PS. Shout outs to the drunken Christmas carolers of Middleburg, Florida. FYI, ghetto rednecks, booze and a tortured version of “Silent Night” is not a good look. lmfao. WHO FRIGGIN CAROLS THESE DAYS?!? I should add…with sincerity. I still love you guys tho…
Lock and Load
Let me get straight to it. I was robbed. My car was vandalized and some pretty nice audio and video equipment was stolen. No biggie, This is why we pay gobs of money to our insurance companies.
What I AM having, is a hard time accepting the fact that with all my size strength and intelligence, there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop it. I cannot shake it off. As a protector and defender of my family, I feel like I was caught slipping.
I’ve been talking to and reading about victims of theft and burglary, and how they feel violated and helpless. Yep, that’s sounds about right. What’s worse, this feeling of paranoia has me extremely protective of my family. More so than normal. If I was a scary bear before, I am certainly not to be poked or prodded now.
My family as a group will be obtaining concealed weapon permits and enrolling in a firearms class (not that I need it),but since we’ve become a Glock carrying family, it stands to reason that a family that shoots together….
Overkill? Hell no. Turn your television on. Go to any news channel, and realize that your time is coming soon. It’s just a matter of time before you become a statistic. Doesn’t matter who you are or where you live, the country’s crime rate has increased exponentially over the last few years.
Even if you consider yourself safe from theft, what’s your perverted neighbor across from you REALLY thinking of you? And to you guys trying to put another notch in your players card, two words for you: Steve McNair (RIP). Is it me, or does it seem that everyone in the world has lost their damned minds.
I won’t even bring up the recession. That alone is driving the indigent to extremes never before seen. Like breaking into my car parked at a four star hotel on friggin THANKSGIVING…
All of my close friends will tell you I’m not and never will be a gun advocate. Personally, I prefer the up close and personal hands on beat down.
But extreme times call for extreme measures. I’ll be waiting, locked and loaded.
To quote the comedian, Cedric the entertainer…”I WISH a motherf%#ker would…”
Thanksgiving Day
Thanksgiving is upon us once again, and this year has me really really appreciating and being thankful for what I have. Most importantly in this recession period, what I have to possibly lose.
Earlier this year when my household income fell by half, I was concerned…but not worried. I knew that the one thing my wife and I share unequivocally is resilience and tenacity (ok that’s two things but whose counting) to weather this financial storm. I’m so glad we are of like minds. So when we cut out the VIP’ing, the designer handbags, my wife’s two hundred dollar jean addiction(lol), my taste for the finer wines and spirits, it was a pretty easy transition back to the mundane.
Others weren’t so lucky.
This Thanksgiving has us on the road to see family. It’s a much needed reprieve from the monotony that is Jacksonville. I’m excited. I don’t know of any family that has swagger and can maintain it for decades like ours. The bond is surreal. We owe it all to our grandmother.(rest in peace, Gertrude).
Man, I’m already hungry…I’m going to be a glut this Thanksgiving and look good doing it. If you’re in the area, fix me a plate. I’m coming to dinner. I like chicken, turkey, ham, ribs, and fish. You can keep the stuffing, I’m low carb…
Family benediction and eating aside, i’ll hit my old stomping grounds and see old friends from school and the neighborhood. Let’s be honest, this is where the show begins…the degrees, the titles, the cars, the trophy wife/husband. Because secretly you want to gauge/rank one another. Been that way since school hasn’t it?
After it’s all said and done, after all the feeding and posturing, after the show, after the pomp and circumstance…our friends and family are all we have to maintain our sanity in this tumultous, topsy turvy, trainwreck of an economy.
And for that, I am thankful most.
Volume Control
You know that friend of yours that talks REALLY loud?
So loud in fact, that you have to remove the phone from your ear, or back pedal away from them to avoid the spittle? It’s not their fault. It is however, their coping mechanism. The majority of them are extroverts. Outgoing, bright, optimistic, sunny people who want to brighten your day(and move the spotlight from all the skeletons in their closets).
Go ahead, just try to get a word in edgewise on these boisterous bubbly braggadocios blow hards (say that 4 times fast) and watch how their volume increases incrementally to over talk you. A normal conversation is now a shouting match. Your friend will then pull out a megaphone to finish his/her statement FTW (for the win).
As soon as I recognize the signs (the ability to hold 3 conversations at once and lead them all), I prepare myself for bouts of silence.
That’s right, the nemesis to these amplified vocal beings…the anti-talker. If I’m interrupted more than twice in a conversation, I shut up. Obviously that individual isn’t interested in a meaningful conversation and one of my major pet peeves is having to repeat myself. Being forced to repeat myself makes me want to cripple people. (update: I’m no longer crippling people, the treatments work!) Once you stop talking, they realize their mistake however briefly. But like a broken radio knob, they return to full volume in no time at all.
There are SOME advantages to having a loud talker around.
Planning an event? Just remember it’s good to have at least two or more loud talkers at a party or function. Ensure there is an even number of them and your party will be a success as they cancel each other out simultaneously livening up the scene.
This can sometimes backfire however, creating another insidious loud talker: the alcohol induced loud talker.
Oh yeah… now you have to contend with breath, spittle and at times become a leaning post. Because drunks wobble. There is nothing you can do but shred the napkin (aka the coaster) that your drink is sitting on and stuff it in your ears to protect your ear drums. A face shield would be nice, but it’s not too aesthetic in social settings.
Remedy: Introduce him or her to the person next to you and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Works like a charm, trust me. Let them slobber and shout all over that person.
Common sense is not common
I wish I had a dollar for all the stupid things I see people do on a daily basis. Apparently I’m an alien residing on the planet O.C.D. I’m not sure what drives the decision making process in some people but damn…just breathe, slow down, fire off a couple of gray matter neurons and assess a situation before making a total imbecile of yourself.
Pet peeve #1. your car isn’t faster than mine. Stop trying to cut me off, speed up and/or block me from passing. Trying to “out accelerate” my Nissan 350z in a truck, SUV, sedan or anything else that doesn’t have over 400 horses under the hood is going to get you embarrassed.
Pet peeve #2. Women who wear makeup to the gym. Seriously. WTF is that all about? In 12 years of working out I’ve never seen anything more asinine. 5 to 7pm in the gym is like happy hour minus the booze so apparently she’s one of those DW’s. (see my last post)
Pet peeve #3. Guys who believe their own lies so much, they create their own reality. For the record, when you’re recruiting for your “multi million dollar” real estate business, it’s probably not a good look to wear Pro Keds, Walmart faded glory jeans and drive a 1987 Ford bronco that OJ wouldn’t drive. Nevermind that your flea market brand Ed Hardy actually reads “Ned Hardy”.
I know that we are driven to do strange things and act out in strange ways by our environment, hormones and senseless peer pressure ploys designed to make you act like you haven’t received home training…but I guess as long as no one gets hurt, providing us a laugh at your dumb ass shenanigans is ok. It’s all fun and games til someone gets the “brakes beat off them”.
What’s that smell?
I’m really trying hard to be as unbiased as I possibly can when I say this: Ladies…desperation is not a good look. I should probably elaborate a bit more, “being desperate in getting a man” is not a good look. Yeah, I know there are guys who are just as desperate, but I’m not one of them and I’ll be damned if I hang around those losers, so I ain’t writing about them…yet.
I can smell it you know (no, not the Dolce & Gabanna or that Avon knockoff), the desperation. Seeping outta their pores like next day tequila. That 4th quarter hurry up offense to score…A woman’s game clock, it’s a shame there’s no overtime…. Ovaries, apparently are like time bombs. You gotta use em before they explode. Huh, who knew?
Almost every time I’m out, I get that look. You know the look I’m referring to: that extra linger-look away-then look again-smile look. It’s THAT look men love to get. It brings back that untainted school boy in all of us. That “yeah, I’m the sh*t” feeling.
It’s the wild eyed, “I haven’t had any sleep because I can hear my fallopian tubes cracking” that scares the bejesus out of men.
I had a T-Pain experience at Chili’s the other day. Hanging with the guys, killing the 2 for 1 all night drinks specials when the bartender says “a lady is buying you a drink”. Cool, I turn down nothing but my collar…
It happened in slow motion (at least for me it was). I saw the approach, I saw the smile, I saw the switch in her hips that screamed “I’M FERTILE”. Then I saw the look of disgust when she caught the light’s reflection from my platinum diamond wedding band. It was like someone had messed up her $85 dollar perm. She wasn’t even cordial when I offered to return the favor. Maybe it was the walk of shame back to her table or the giggling schoolboys that my friends turned into.
Most of all, I’m sure it was the disappointment. I felt bad for her in a sense. She looked weathered/tired in the dating game. You know how desert travelers see mirages and get that burst of excitement and energy only to find out it’s nothing there? Yeah, like that.
What can you do? As long as we have the genetically encoded primal need to procreate there will always be trials in finding a mate. That goes for both men and women, but its just funnier to me when women have to do “the walk of shame”. Divine retribution? maybe.
