Please….shut up already, you leech, you vampire, you succubus. I can feel you draining all of my optimistic soul with your chronic complaining and pessimism. Yes life is a struggle, I get it. Just stop talking about how miserable your life is and DO something about it.
I have my own issues to contend with. I’m making positive strides forward, then you come along with your black cloud of mope and despair overcasting my day. Fortunately, I have one of those pro golf sized “mental umbrellas” to keep me dry from your gale force tirades of drama. Spare me your relationship episodes, you’re not David Duchovny on Californication. I could care less about how your wife emasculates you….wait, what did you call it, “she’s assertive and likes wearing the pants” so instead of watching the playoffs Sunday afternoon, you’re down at the flea market shopping for discounted trinkets and bootleg romantic comedy dvd’s.
The next person to attempt to trample one of my good spirited days with their “cup is almost empty” demeanor, deserves a Rick James to Charlie Murphy open handed slap. Seriously. I’m on a mission. Because your train derailed, you want to plant bombs on my tracks? If life is sooooo bad, give up. Stop trying. Kill yourself. More food for us. Still here? Pussy…or is it that your life isn’t that bad afterall huh?
The next step isn’t so easy. Depressing people travel in packs, infecting others like a virus adding to the collective. You have got to break away from the other crabs if you want to change your mindset. And don’t think they won’t notice. “why’d you stop calling? oh, you too good to hang with us now? Hey I just wrecked my car for the 3rd time can I get a ride? Hey girl, so and so was talking about you. I just wanted to let you know. What’s up man, I just quit my bullshit job. Naw, I ain’t got nothing lined up just yet tho…mind if I hang out for a few days?”
Good luck escaping. If you did manage to escape, your circle is extremely smaller now isn’t it? Google+ won’t be happy (lol if you don’t get that it’s ok, the joke wasn’t for you).
I had an intellectual discussion with a good friend of mine last night until 3am. It’s amazing what conversations stem from Grand Marnier and blue mist hookahs….I digress, where was I? One topic involved goals, aspirations, and the means to reach them. Have you met yours? what prevented you? what’s stopping you now? At what point do you concede? the conclusion obviously, is that the infrastructure of any goal you set forth is planning. Then it hit me like a ton a bricks. 35-40% of the people I knew, didn’t plan for shit. Most of them are already out of my life, the few remaining handful will probably become case studies for this blog in the near future.
It’s 2012 people. time to become extremely independent and get off the teat. Bad things will happen soon. PLAN AHEAD.(damn have I been infected by the cynics?) Time to develop some survivalist skills just in case of some post apocalyptic scenario. I recommend the three H’s. Hunting, Horticulture and Whoring…yes yes I know, I know. It was just fun to say.
Through playing with y’all.
Overzealous, overconfident, overactive, and today…..over reaching. I’m the biggest advocate of stepping out of the box, breaking away from the norm and doing or being different. That said, we each have our own roles to play in life. Our own talents, our own gifts. Our very own little niche.
I know, (as much as I loathe to admit it) I cannot be everything to everyone. The sky IS the limit, but the ugly truth is that the ceiling varies for different people. My gifts, my creativity, my talents will only get me so far. Your talents may or may not get you farther or faster. Everyone has a cap. I will never work for NASA, be a chemical engineer, or a college math professor. Why? Because I absolutely detest math and anything of its ilk. Besides…it’s a right brain function, and we all know artists (the left brain users of the world) can’t stand prolonged use of the right side. It just isn’t natural to us.
So I’m just gonna do me. All the things that I’m good at, my special niche in life: writing, fitness, counseling, electronics, computers, photography, fighting, loving, drinking and hell raising. and not necessarily in that order.
(did me taking an exam really just snap me outta my writer’s block?) Hallelujah, I’m back!
I had a bit of an epiphany in the gym this morning. It dawned on me that most people go their entire lives without realizing what their very own bodies are physically capable of. It’s funny to me. Mainly because in my youth, I was literally thin as a walking stick. Had it not been for that fateful day in Chicago at the Naval base, where I (a basketball fanatic) was dunked on by a semi pro player.
That pivotal moment changed me. Angered and blinded by the fact that someone broke through my defense, I subbed out and left the court…right into the weight room. while the 1st two years were a clueless waste of time, the next 13 years became a campaign to become bigger and stronger. Years of muscle sprains, tendinitis, deep tissue massages, and gallons of protein later, here I am remaining steadfast on my personal crusade to be the fittest I can be.
But not most people….the average person doesn’t think about it until a really fit person walks up next to them and then they realize “oh shit, that person is my age”. Then there’s the moment of self-pity. The envy lasts a bit longer but that too is quickly forgotten as soon as the “hot and fresh doughnuts” sign lights up at Krispy Kreme.
The human body is literally a Transformer. (Hasbro should pay me for plugging them)
It’s astounding the amount of resiliency and strength it has. It can be shaped and molded, made stronger, faster. It can endure miles and miles of running or tons and tons of weight lifting. Each and every person has their very own machine to tweak and customize as they see fit, but 89% of you don’t….okay I made that number up, but so what it’s probably higher. It’s the equivalent of taking a Ferrari and letting it sit for years exposed to the elements.
What’s it like?
Trying this diet plan and that diet pill….starving yourself to squeeze into a dress you know damn well you shouldn’t have purchased. Doing push ups before you head out to the beach to give the illusion that you work out on a regular basis. I’ll bet you 20 bucks you’ve got a guy at work that arches his back when he walks as if to imply his chest is huge.
Delusions of fitness never gets old. Promising yourself to exercise but that day never comes, or wearing sleeves so tight your hands turn blue. So what does it take to get motivated and embrace a fit healthy lifestyle?
1. you must WANT it. badly…a 6 month diet plan is going to crash like Denzel Washington in “Flight”.
2. Self Evaluate. look at yourself realistically, and honestly. Then set a goal. and just like building a house you’re gonna need blueprints to make that goal happen. You will need a professional at this point. Find a certified licensed trainer. You will only need him/her for about 4-6 months tops. listen and do everything they tell you, then rinse and repeat on your own.
3. Educate yourself in health and exercise. I’m mean really learn. Chances are your doctor doesn’t know a damn thing about fitness. Remember he’s getting paid to sell you his skill set and medicine.
4. Take a nutrition class. Trust me, when you learn that you truly are what you eat, you’ll stop huffing down pancakes, doughnuts and cookies.
5. Kinesiology, the study of human movement. When you know how your body works once and for all, you will laugh at those infomercials trying to sell you a “gutbuster 3000″ and the people that buy them.
Extend your life/livelihood. Take care of your body as you would your car, house, your lawn….or whatever you deem of value and importance to you. God willing, working out and pushing my body to it’s limits will continue be a staple in my life, as much as breakfast and sex. And I’m certainly not trying to give up either of the two anytime soon.
Train hard. Indulge later.
I call “perv”, Santa…who are you really? We can’t even see your face. I know you can magically whip up some clippers and a razor. Trim that baby llama off your face so we can see you, it’s the 21st century Santa.
I always knew you were a sadist Santa. Pepper? A lump of coal? Who does that, you sick freak.
As you know Santa, me being the health nut and all, couldn’t help but notice those “rosy red cheeks”…..yeah well, I’m pretty sure that’s rosacea. Common amongst alcoholics. you should lay off the elven moonshine. How’s your cholesterol fatso? I left you Nabisco 100 calorie thin crisps and low fat milk, but you preceded to raid the fridge and demolish ALL the chicken and collard greens, dressing and cranberry sauce, and my grandma’s red velvet cake. not cool man. Next time wash the dishes.
But hey listen, I wanted to give you a heads up. I’m a light sleeper. So before you break into my house and trip the motion sensors, how about sending me a text or something before I turn my living room into a CSI episode. M’kay? Thanks.
One more thing Santa. Who’s your agent? Because the contract deals he’s making for you are unbelievable. Do you know you beat out Halloween this year? There was Christmas stuff up in stores the 2nd week in October. I thought I’d lost 2 months. That’s crazy…you, Tony Romo and Ndamukong Suh must all have the same agent. Send me his number.
All in all Santa, you’ve given me a lot of insomnia, anxiety, mental and physical duress over the years. This horrible relationship isn’t conducive to the kind of lifestyle I like to lead. Thanks for the faulty orange 10-speed (which coincidentally led to my bike vs car accident), the boom box radio that LL Cool J was so fond of speaking of. Nevermind that it felt like 30 bee stings whenever I plugged in the crappy power cord.
It’s over. You’re out Santa, like a MLB batter facing Nolan Ryan.
FYI, I registered you on that sex offender website. STAY AWAY FROM THE KIDS YOU PERV!
I feel you Aretha. Without respect, a man isn’t one. Lack of it will always lead to a disastrous conclusion. Me? I’d take respect over fame and money anything day of the week.
So. What exactly is the correct path to follow when there’s a personal affront to your manhood? Wisdom dictates removing yourself from said situation. Easy if the assailant is a complete stranger, not so easy if you’ve known the individual for awhile and their viewpoint of you has changed for whatever reason. A little tougher if it’s a long time friend or family member.
Yeah, you can communicate and talk about it, but since no one’s budging, you’re back to square one. This is why brothers don’t speak to one another for 15 years a pop, or cousins only visit every other holiday. It also affects marital bliss.
So what do you do, when you are bred with a ceiling-less pride and taught to be respectful and expect it always? When the nuclear arms talk fail utterly, and war is imminent…what do you do?
It comes down to our primal responses: Fight or Flight. I’m not speaking a “physical” fight (not this time). But a fight aimed at getting the respect you deserve. Or do you take a hit to your manhood, the very core structure of who you are, and concede?
……and I ain’t about to write a damn song asking for it either.
Here we go. “Murica’s” new drug of choice…..food. The percentage of overweight/obese Americans is staggering. A nation of people hooked on food, like heroin junkies.
Does anyone eat for sustenance anymore? I mean c’mon, isn’t food meant to be eaten to survive? I guess if it ain’t smothered, covered, chopped, scattered, topped and peppered it ain’t right. Ever see a toddler refuse oatmeal because there isn’t enough sugar and butter in it? We are setting our children up for failure. Would you stick a crack pipe in a baby’s mouth? Meth addict, sugar addict….both make your teeth fall out. I’m just saying.
And before you go “no Dennis it’s not the same”, STFU and listen…stop setting your kids up for diabetes and other food borne ailments. Think about this: Some of you might be lactose intolerant. That means that your ADULT body has decided its had enough of a substance meant to nourish babies. Do you think there are any lactose intolerant people in Somalia or any Russians with peanut allergens?
Can someone explain to me why the Food and Drug Administration hasn’t stepped in to curb this food nonsense. Oh that’s right…money. Money and Monsanto. Google GMO foods and Monsanto. (just click the link) That guy is Satan hellbent on killing you and your kids and “UOENO” that it’s happening right under your nose.
Marketing and media food gurus entice you with their captivating commercials, playing on your greediness and need for all things bigger. “yeah that burger I made you last time, it’s nothing… nothing…nothing…..compared to this burger. This burger right here, we call it “the whole cow”. You won’t have to eat for weeks.
Bigger, richer, fluffier, greasier, more decadent, more seasoned….mmmm taste all this flavor. And you have the nerve to wonder why you need liposuction. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t be a glut AND be physically fit.
Yet I’m the freak because in my late 40’s, I workout like it’s my religion and eat healthy. And then there’s always the plethora of questions: How do you workout? What do you eat? What supplements do you take? Are you on steroids? Most people regard my answers as if I suggested they cut off a big toe. The fact is, every single day I wake up, I think to myself I can do better. I must do better. I will do better. I’m sorry that I have the willpower to avoid Dairy Queen’s XXL Blizzard shakes and those insidious Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
My competitive streak fuels me when my energy runs low and my alpha mindset kicks in. Shout out to Police Lieutenant Larry Kitchens, who try as he might, simply cannot keep up. Larry, if you’re reading this then you know I WON. Admit defeat gracefully, and I promise to catch you up to speed. Or accept my official challenge: downstairs. police gym. date and time of your choosing. and we’ll invite the entire building.
Sorry, I’ve gotten off track.
I think I may have a solution. Put an end to serviced foods and grocery stores and bring back butchers and farmers markets. convenience kills. Show of hands, who grew up hunting and fishing? Did you teach your kids? Even I am remiss in that one. It’s time to get back to the basics in life.
Simplify your nutrition. Man….venison steaks sound good right about now.
It’s hard enough to deal with hidden agendas and the proverbial knife in the back, but when you’re forced to endure the “crabs in the barrel” attitude from your own people, it really stops you in your tracks and makes you take a hard look at society, culture and regional environments.
The Mason-Dixon line isn’t the only line drawn that some southerners secretly take pride in. Economic status, has always been a line that separates us, not only from a financial standpoint but a social one as well. When you successfully make that jump into the next tax bracket, you leave behind a few scratching heads wondering “how’d he do that?” That wonderment (also known as ignorance) turns to resentment. The end result? You now have a hater on your hands.
*Hater ~ from the urban dictionary perspective: a person who cannot abide another person’s success. Instead of being congratulatory, they make it point of exposing the person’s flaws. The thought process isn’t outright hate, it’s the desire to take that person down a peg or two in the eyes of mutual peers. Mostly to distract those peers from the hater’s own inabilities, flaws and other idiosyncrasies.
Now, let’s add some water to that grease fire shall we? Break a few racial stereotypes, think outside of the box, or just blaze your own trail in way NOT typically known to be done by your ethnicity group and watch what happens.
As a black person, go rock climbing, or as a white person, become a rapper. White muslim? Jewish AND indigent? Depending on where you are regionally, you’ll be known as “selling out”, or acting something that you’re not. People are creatures of habit like that. Sad, but undeniably true.
Change upsets conformity.
When they see “different” then something must be wrong. Are we really hard wired like that?
My friend Anthony is a cyclist. He’s pretty good. But because cycling isn’t seen as a “black” sport, he’s operating outside of the known stereotype, and now he’s taking heat from his peers, accusing him of being something he’s not. really? Small minded people should just quit breeding. Ignorance begets ignorance.
While visiting family back home, I ran into a childhood friend. After reminiscing a bit, he pulls me to the side and asks, ” Hey dawg, so how long were you locked up for?’ See… for this jackass, military training and 15 years of bodybuilding equate working out in the penitentiary recreation room.
This is a very large world we live in. Get off your close-minded, prejudiced, one tracked, “I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday”, asses and experience something new. Talk to someone different. Walk another route. Go visit another country. Stop wallowing in your own ignorance and for God’s sake stop educating yourself via reality TV and Fox News (can people really not see their agenda?!)
FYI, we have some of the dumbest kids on the planets. Thanks failed parents! Let’s have more Honey Boo Boo’s and Plaxico Buress’s in the world. Yeah, I went there and no that ISN’T stereotyping. that’s a fact. Shanghai, Singapore and Hong Kong are making our kids look stupid. Literally. Google it. Nevermind. Here I’ll do it for you: http://www.cnbc.com/id/101240945
through playing with y’all…..damn.
Any other day, I’d bypass this subject and wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m sitting at home sick as a dog, channel surfing. I see the Tyra Banks Show (re-runs obviously) about women loving men with big bellies. And then the subject was broached on Facebook. So I have to ask ladies…REALLY?
Because I heard a lot of lies. lies. lies. Maybe it was to save face, or maybe it was the fact that they no longer consider their lover’s body part of the equation of love. Maybe it’s all about the dollars and to hell with the body. I don’t know, I’m just trying to gain a little perspective.
See…I know without a shadow of doubt that some women don’t like skinny guys. I used to be just that. Being skinny as a rail, trying to talk to a dimepiece is a futile attempt no matter what your charming smile or winning looks have done for you in the past. Some women don’t roll that way. They want a physical man who can handle himself and be able to bring food to the table. I get that.
But beer bellies? I’m heavily into the gym/fitness thing and I am a pretty sizable guy. At 42 years old, 232lbs, I still have no gut. Am I to believe, I’d lose out to the fat guy at the end of the bar with a bucket of Natural Light beer? To quote the fictional senator Clay Davis from HBO’s the Wire, “shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.”
Muscle>Fat everyday, all day.
Guys, PLEASE do not fall into this sitcom reality TV show/facebook tomfoolery. Get your asses in the gym. Nevermind what women think….ok scratch that(what was I thinking), consider your own health for a minute. Abdominal obesity can kill you (indirectly). Not to mention affecting the lead in your “pencil”. It’s a sure sign that your estrogen levels are rising. And I’m hoping I don’t have to break THAT one down to you.
Our abs are quite useful. When you find them again, you can email me and thank me for getting rid of your back pain and improving you sex life. Abs act as a stabilizer for your torso and a gyroscope for your….hell, if you didn’t know all this time, you might be outta luck on the latter.
Ladies (just the ones that like big men), tell your man the truth, yes you want a big man for the comfort and joys of life. One that can also handle himself and protect you. A guy that can be that “blanket” you want. You don’t want a guy who runs around making jokes about his “tool shed”. Encourage your big man to go walking, ease him into the cardio. Before you know it, he’ll be able to “see” himself again and won’t have to reach blindly for it.
Am I too harsh? Probably. Am I an insensitive ass? Definitely. Listen I know there are conditions which prevent some men from exercising and/or eating right. To those guys, I’m sorry…this isn’t meant for your eyes. I’m strictly referring to those 30-40 somethings who are fully ambulatory yet down kegs of beer at happy hour, talking about “yeah I’m gonna start working out again”. Meanwhile their wives and girlfriends are on the Tyra Banks Show talking about, “Tyra, my big bellied man is putting it down”.
I am not a movie critic. Nor do I express the desire to become one in the near future. But when filmmakers of the remake start to pull an R. Kelly on it’s audiences SOMETHING has to be said.
I don’t even know where to start first. Oh, wait…yes I do. WHERE IS THE 3D?!? Did I really just spend extra money on a feature that enticed me in the first place, only to see a handful of scenes ACTUALLY in 3D? At some point in the movie I snatched the stupid glasses off and watched normally. It’s gotta be a new plot to make people sit and look like asses with ineffective horned rimmed glasses on. Some producer is laughing his ass off as everyone becomes honorary members of the Geek Squad.
After realizing I’d been R Kelly’d (if you really have to ask, you should probably go lie down, its past your bedtime), I noticed something else: This movie is the “cliff notes” of the original in 1981. You know how you fast forward x 4 shows on your DVR? That’s precisely how it felt watching this movie.
To the average movie goer, It’s an dumb plot, slightly action packed CGfest. For me I felt duped, let down, my intelligence insulted, in other words, pissed on by the director of this film. I’ll have you know they actually made shit up totally incongruent with mythology. Any fan or student of Greek mythology will let you know right away that Medusa IS NOT a Titan. She’s of the Gorgon familial. What? I wasn’t a muscle head all my life, I kept my head in books. Greek Mythology was one of them.
One more thing: In the beginning of this movie they narrate to you the relationship between the Titans and the Olympic gods. The Titans are the fathers of Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. They even tell you that Hades created the Kraken in order to defeat the Titans. If someone can point out to me a Titan clashing against anyone in this movie, I’ll pay you cash.
If my memory serves me correctly I can name a few Titans. Kronos, Hyperion, and Rhea. They are a few of the popular ones not in this movie. This movie was essentially about Zeus vs Hades with a frigging lightsaber thrown in for good measure (no I’m not making that last part up).
I wish I had two extra hands so I could give this movie 4 thumbs down.
To Regal Cinemas, YOU FAIL SO HARD ITS INEXPLICABLE! UPGRADE YOUR STADIUM SEATS AND HIRE PROFESSIONAL CLEANERS! Movie theaters aren’t supposed to smell like nursing homes. And anyone 6’ft and above has no leg room.
He’s coming back to the game. And as much as his peers will hate it, they will also welcome him back with open arms. All while making snide comments behind his back. No, it isn’t Brett Favre and it sure as hell ain’t Jordan. It’s Eldrick. And before you get your panties in a bunch asking who Eldrick is, I’ll tell you.
Eldrick Tont Woods…affectionately (and intimately) known as Tiger. Now, there is absolutely nothing about Tiger Woods that I could expound upon that the media hasn’t already filleted and gutted a million times already, except for one thing. Why he got caught. (no, not why he did it, why he got caught).
Tiger Woods is an island unto himself. That kinda makes it hard to do dirt when you’re visible from the weather channel’s satellites. Secondly, he went against the grain of every celeb/athlete’s mantra. He had no Entourage.
Entourage (read: boys who you pay and trust to do YOUR dirt and take the fall). These people are made up of people you know before the fame and fortune and when the shit hits the fan, will gladly scoop it up.
Celebs with entourages usually have a bad image of boozing party hounds, so Tiger refrained from having one, not realizing their true purpose. Damn, hindsight’s a bitch ain’t it?
But let me make myself really really clear. In no way do I condone Mr. Woods infidelities. He was stupid and got caught with his hands, feet and who knows what else in the cookie jar. Apparently, he thought he was a college frat boy. I remember my college days, (barely). I felt unstoppable. I vaguely remember my mother mentioning something about me burning out before I turned 25 (guess what mom, it was sooner…).
I didn’t have an entourage but I had friends I trusted impeccably. Question is, who does Tiger trust? It’s kinda funny though, because real tigers hunt solo, at night and ambush their prey. The two legged tigers we know use Patron Margaritas….or cereal.
If only he had one good friend to say “I don’t think its a good idea, let’s go” We wouldn’t be reading about all this nonsense now. But you know what, it’s not all his fault.
Let’s back up a sec. So the wifey had no idea? She was clueless? Yeah right, whatever. If the handwriting is on the wall, you just don’t apply a fresh coat of paint. Let’s not forget this has been going on for years, and she just now decided to bash his head in? A one eyed man with a cataract could see she didn’t care what Tiger did UNTIL it was about to become public knowledge.
So why are people so hellbent on what Tiger is or isn’t doing? Americans (some of us) are boring, mundane hum drum people who live their lives vicariously through someone else. Everyone wants to shake up their lives and do something wild and off the cuff but is afraid to. That’s why Vegas is so popular. What? you thought it was because of the casinos? Kill yourself now and help the census.
People like to commune socially. That’s why everyone is in everyone else’s business and personal affairs. And when celebrities and/or an athlete’s business come to light…oh boy, the fireworks fly. Tiger’s affairs were, socially speaking “a multiple orgasm” for the media and it’s endearing public.
The man liked to get his multicultural penis wet. He’s also given billions in charity benefiting children. Does this make it right? Hell no it doesn’t. Not at all. But tell me…what has your trifling baby’s daddy contributed other than his seed?
Stop casting stones. Welcome back Tiger.
Happy New year! It’s that time isn’t it? Time to make that new years resolution.
‘I’m gonna lose weight”
“I’m gonna save money”
and my all time favorite, (one that I can speak on) “I’m gonna work out and get in shape”.
Yay…I for one, welcome January. I’ll get all the cannon fodder I need for my blogs right in the gym. Here’s a question I’ve been wanting to ask so many people. Why do you need a certain time of the year as an excuse to do something that you’re NOT going to stick with year round only to make the exact same excuse at the same time next year? I stopped making resolutions a loooong time ago. I figured out that obviously, I never wanted to do said resolution in the 1st place or I would have done it a lot sooner.
I get it though..sorta. a new year. a new beginning. a new you. Thing is, this could work with other holidays as well.
Easter… “Resurrect a new you”.
July 4th…”Celebrate independence from the old you”
Christmas.. “the birth of a new you”
New Years is just another holiday excuse. Let me give you a few synonyms for the word excuse according to Brittanica: apology , cleanup, cop-out, cover up, evasion, subterfuge, justification, plea…see where I went with that?
Hey, if you stick with your fitness program…great, awesome. I owe you an heartfelt apology and I’ll offer you my personal help and assistance. But my money’s on the ones who just paid up for a whole year at their local gyms and will be outta there by……mmm, let’s say March. It won’t even be 30 days for some. C’mon, I haven’t spend the last 13 years of my life in a gym and not have noticed.
I see you…on the phones, wearing makeup, scoping out potential mates (ok nothing wrong with that part), socializing like the gym is a club without a liquor license. Refusing a trainer and still working out wrong, holding up the machines that real gym members need. And you wonder how can you work out for so long and not see any results.
I didn’t forget about you weekend warriors (part timers in the gym). you have a little definition, so you swagger around the gym after you bench 225, flexing like you’re in the Arnold Classic, grunting like you’re in a strongman competition, wearing your little brother’s wifebeater so you can appear bigger. Tipping the scales at 220lbs does not put you in the big boy club (unless you’re 5’9). These guys usually quit after they tear a muscle from lifting improperly.
Ladies, ladies, ladies…there are sporting goods stores that sell non-tight fitness gear. So there won’t be any need to tie a shirt around your waist to cover up all that ass you’re trying to hide. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Don’t buy it, and we won’t look. Thus negating the need to cover up what you thought was sexy in the sporting goods dressing room. If men decided to wear loincloths in the pilates class, it would take you outta your game just a little bit wouldn’t it? Mmhmm, thought so. It’s all good til the shoe is on the other foot. Or, to put in more simpler graphic terms…til there’s a large penis in your face and you begin to remember why you’re working out in the first place.
All in all, its going to be fun times these first few months. I have a few goals of my own as well. Only I made them back in October ;)
See ya in the gym!
In less than 12 hours I’ll age another year, and yet I am completely unfazed. All the rhetoric surrounding birthdays is designed to do what exactly? The cakes, the parties, the sheer drunkeness (if that’s your kind of thing) is supposed to be a celebration of life? Or…is all the fanfare and festivities just a mere distraction from what you should be doing. Self evaluation. a gut check. I like to think of birthdays as milestone markers where I take out my compass and see what direction in life I’m headed in.
My friends think that I become a somber cynical rattlesnake the days surrounding my birthday. The truth… my eyes are wide open to everything. In my deepest moments of self reflection, I see things from an “outside looking in” standpoint where I become super critical of myself and the world as I see it. All the facades, all the bs we normally take on the chin, all the societal dances that we do, all fade away for me during this time. I gotta tell you, it’s all funny as hell. Straight up comic relief. I can’t help but to laugh at the lengths we go through. Why? to get a job? to get a date? to get the respect you deserve? to be someone else’s idea of a “good” person? Every year, I take a step away from the “norm”. And when I look back, I say to myself, “what the hell was I thinking?!”
Man, why couldn’t I have had this mentality 20 years ago? We all say it, Hindsight is 20/20. I’ve actually come to realize that wouldn’t have been a good move for me. I know now that it was, and still is the journey not the destination, that’s where all the fun stuff happens. The path lesser walked. Google maps ain’t gonna get me there.
This upcoming year I’m going off-road. See ya in 2010.
PS. Shout outs to the drunken Christmas carolers of Middleburg, Florida. FYI, ghetto rednecks, booze and a tortured version of “Silent Night” is not a good look. lmfao. WHO FRIGGIN CAROLS THESE DAYS?!? I should add…with sincerity. I still love you guys tho…
You know that friend of yours that talks REALLY loud?
So loud in fact, that you have to remove the phone from your ear, or back pedal away from them to avoid the spittle? It’s not their fault. It is however, their coping mechanism. The majority of them are extroverts. Outgoing, bright, optimistic, sunny people who want to brighten your day(and move the spotlight from all the skeletons in their closets).
Go ahead, just try to get a word in edgewise on these boisterous bubbly braggadocios blow hards (say that 4 times fast) and watch how their volume increases incrementally to over talk you. A normal conversation is now a shouting match. Your friend will then pull out a megaphone to finish his/her statement FTW (for the win).
As soon as I recognize the signs (the ability to hold 3 conversations at once and lead them all), I prepare myself for bouts of silence.
That’s right, the nemesis to these amplified vocal beings…the anti-talker. If I’m interrupted more than twice in a conversation, I shut up. Obviously that individual isn’t interested in a meaningful conversation and one of my major pet peeves is having to repeat myself. Being forced to repeat myself makes me want to cripple people. (update: I’m no longer crippling people, the treatments work!) Once you stop talking, they realize their mistake however briefly. But like a broken radio knob, they return to full volume in no time at all.
There are SOME advantages to having a loud talker around.
Planning an event? Just remember it’s good to have at least two or more loud talkers at a party or function. Ensure there is an even number of them and your party will be a success as they cancel each other out simultaneously livening up the scene.
This can sometimes backfire however, creating another insidious loud talker: the alcohol induced loud talker.
Oh yeah… now you have to contend with breath, spittle and at times become a leaning post. Because drunks wobble. There is nothing you can do but shred the napkin (aka the coaster) that your drink is sitting on and stuff it in your ears to protect your ear drums. A face shield would be nice, but it’s not too aesthetic in social settings.
Remedy: Introduce him or her to the person next to you and excuse yourself to the bathroom. Works like a charm, trust me. Let them slobber and shout all over that person.
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Yeah…i’m sure that applies to the 99.9 percentile, but let’s talk about the “haters” for a moment, shall we? 1st, let’s define the modern term “hater”. We all heard it in some form or fashion, in a literal or theatrical sense. But let’s break it down for the less urban demographic:
1. One who hates.
2. (slang, pejorative) One who expresses unfounded or inappropriate hatred or dislike, particularly if motivated by jealousy.
Great. we all can define what or who a hater is. But what the hell do haters and chameleons have in common? I’m getting to that but first let’s define what a chameleon is.
1. A small to mid-size reptile, of the family Chamaeleonidae, and one of the best known lizard families able to change color and project its long tongue.
2. A person with inconstant behavior; one able to quickly adjust to new circumstances.
Now….When you have an individual that can’t stand the ground you walk on, and will erase every footprint you leave behind, all the while secretly admiring your swagger, taking notes on your designer fashion, the books you read, eyeballing your tech,wearing your cologne, mimicking your kung fu (well, feebly at best): Hater/Chameleon hybrid
I find it amusing these days. Something that used to send me into beast mode, simply makes me smile and shake my head. Even more so; I’ve come to take pity on them. Maybe it was a bad childhood. No friends, no girls, you know…”the straight home from school get your ass in the room” kinda childhood. No interaction with peers…no wait. No EQUALITY amongst peers, will drive you to do weird things. The hater/chameleon hybrid has to imitate everything it sees in order to give the perception of being able to relate. Yet, to see the Alpha (ha ha) do things it will never attain: the winning touchdown,getting the really fine girl, and getting the respect of all the guys is enough to set the hater’s blood boiling, sending it into an ADHD (Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) rage.
Here’s what’s funny though. the hybrid believes that it’s invisible. It thinks that we can’t actually see it wearing our style, our gear, studying our moves. It doesn’t know that we can see it spreading hate and discontent behind our backs. It doesn’t realize we can hear all the things it’s saying to place itself in a positive light meanwhile working to place us in a negative one.
I was once told that success was measured by the amount of haters you had. Really? Because it gets old after awhile and you just want to recommend therapy to the hater. Waitaminute, hater rehab….that’s not a bad idea.
WTF?!? Something is in the water. There HAS to be. It’s a good thing my house has a sturdy filtration system.
disclaimer: if you are a Jacksonville Florida native , you might be offended, for that I apologize in advance……nah, I’m kidding. I ain’t sorry. There’s something REALLY wrong with y’all.
I needed to renew my car tags yesterday and I made the mistake of going to the DMV on a Friday. What the hell was I thinking, right? The Department of Motor Vehicles is always crowded. There really is never a good time to go. But what I saw actually gave me a “maybe I should consider leaving Jacksonville, Florida ” moment.
Ok, to help get you into my state of mind: I’m a huge sci-fi guy. a gamer. a huge book reader. a techie. and a big gym rat. (essentially a geek trapped in a jock’s body). I have a semi photographic memory which allows me to store a mental image and pull it up months or years later to compare it to another image with deadly accuracy. That’s a snapshot of me…
I pull into the DMV parking lot. It’s packed as usual, no biggie. It’s when I walked in the door that I realized I was in a whole new dimension. My personal. living. breathing. twilight zone. I’ve been back in Jacksonville for 13 years (excluding my military time) and I have not seen people like this. All nationalities, all races, all religious backgrounds…….all mutants.
I mean, damn. The term “dregs of society” just doesn’t cut it. Was I on the “extras” set for District 9? I’m thinking to myself, any minute now the camera crew is going to pop out with Ashton Kutcher’s goofy ass all up in my face. But no, just a lady eyeballing me with this huge knot on her arm like something was under there. Popcorn. If you could get popcorn underneath your skin. She had to have been a mind reader, because I was thinking, “please get the f*ck away from me”, and she left immediately.
I hadn’t even taken a number yet and a lady nursing 7 kids like a golden retriever starts yelling she’d been skipped. Ok, maybe it wasn’t 7, but there were a lot of them. There’s 5 in a litter right?
At this point, I’m trying to regulate my breathing, and focus on getting my tags renewed. My mind is still racing….I don’t even see people like this in Wal-Mart at midnight. (By the way, I recommend going to Wal-Mart during the witching hour for entertainment if ever you’re bored.) At this point, I’m feeling like the butcher just set out fresh ground beef and there was a sale. Maybe it was me, but I’m almost sure I heard someone whisper, “brains”.
Jacksonville, Florida is not the Florida you see on tv. We do have the weather and the palm trees, but that is as far as it goes. The beautiful people with no jobs migrate further south. Jax is a working man’s town. But before the economic down turn, if you had some sense, jobs were good. I have to mention that Jax sits extremely close to the Georgia border. A lot of people call Jacksonville “lower georgia” for that reason. Maybe that explains the freakshows and the “hills have eyes” people I saw in the DMV.
95% of my friends and their friends all moved here… lots of corporate, industrial and military types. We all hear the same saying all the time. “Y’all aint from round hea, is you”?
Mmm hmm, the mutants need fresh DNA strands. The inbreeding can only go so far until the deformities are obvious. And then they go hang out at the DMV.
Orlando is looking better everyday.
There is trickery afoot…..not to mention some bullsh*t. “Get all 13 games in high definition”. (oh did we forget to mention that the HD channels were extra?) Our bad. Aww, is your game blacked out locally? What a coincidence, its seems ours is too.
Directv is getting worse every year with it’s NFL packages. It’s nothing short of disgusting. But here’s the real kicker, something the fine print failed to mention: the big three: ABC, NBC, CBS are redoing their contracts with the NFL. Last year, if your team aired on CBS, it was not going to be shown on the vainglorious 1080p HD of Sunday ticket. No…CBS aired it in standard version, 720 at best (cheap bastards).
Before you go, “Dennis stop making stuff up”, I got this juicy bit of intel after being on hold for an hour and a half from a Directv rep. Seriously. You know what, I’m gonna place a call to the feds or the DEA, because someone over at the NFL is smoking some of the finest crack money can buy. Watch a Thursday night game and see if they don’t call it Monday night football…Only crackheads and Alzheimer patients don’t know what day it is.
Which way would you have it: they’re smoking crack OR they say we’re so incredibly stupid we won’t notice. Another sign that they believe we’re as smart as a box of rocks: The giant HD screen in Dallas stadium. I guess even the fools are bigger and better in Texas, because if I have to leave my house, drive to the stadium and pay to watch the game on another tv (albeit a larger one), I deserved to be fleeced of all my money.
The NFL should just rob us at gunpoint. Oh wait, I forgot. It’s hard to find good help that isn’t 2009’s version of Barney Fife.(yes I’m talking about you, Plaxico Burress).
As for NFL Sunday ticket…it’s over, done. Like Minnesota’s season with Brett Favre. (what the hell were they thinking, he’s my age and I’m in better shape).
Edit: okay, I’m older than Brett Favre but in waaay better shape and a lot more handsome by a longshot.
I wish I had a dollar for all the stupid things I see people do on a daily basis. Apparently I’m an alien residing on the planet O.C.D. I’m not sure what drives the decision making process in some people but damn…just breathe, slow down, fire off a couple of gray matter neurons and assess a situation before making a total imbecile of yourself.
Pet peeve #1. your car isn’t faster than mine. Stop trying to cut me off, speed up and/or block me from passing. Trying to “out accelerate” my Nissan 350z in a truck, SUV, sedan or anything else that doesn’t have over 400 horses under the hood is going to get you embarrassed.
Pet peeve #2. Women who wear makeup to the gym. Seriously. WTF is that all about? In 12 years of working out I’ve never seen anything more asinine. 5 to 7pm in the gym is like happy hour minus the booze so apparently she’s one of those DW’s. (see my last post)
Pet peeve #3. Guys who believe their own lies so much, they create their own reality. For the record, when you’re recruiting for your “multi million dollar” real estate business, it’s probably not a good look to wear Pro Keds, Walmart faded glory jeans and drive a 1987 Ford bronco that OJ wouldn’t drive. Nevermind that your flea market brand Ed Hardy actually reads “Ned Hardy”.
I know that we are driven to do strange things and act out in strange ways by our environment, hormones and senseless peer pressure ploys designed to make you act like you haven’t received home training…but I guess as long as no one gets hurt, providing us a laugh at your dumb ass shenanigans is ok. It’s all fun and games til someone gets the “brakes beat off them”.
I’m really trying hard to be as unbiased as I possibly can when I say this: Ladies…desperation is not a good look. I should probably elaborate a bit more, “being desperate in getting a man” is not a good look. Yeah, I know there are guys who are just as desperate, but I’m not one of them and I’ll be damned if I hang around those losers, so I ain’t writing about them…yet.
I can smell it you know. No, not that Dolce & Gabanna you’re wearing or it’s Avon equivalent, the desperation. Seeping outta your pores like next day tequila. That 4th quarter hurry up offense to score…A woman’s game clock, it’s a shame there’s no overtime…. Ovaries, apparently are like time bombs. You gotta use em before they explode. Huh, who knew?
Whenever I’m out socially, I get that look. You know the look I’m referring to: that extra linger-look away-then look again-smile look. It’s THAT look men love to get. It brings back that untainted school boy in all of us. That “yeah, I’m the sh*t” feeling.
However, It’s the wild eyed, “I haven’t had any sleep because I can hear my Fallopian tubes cracking” that scares the bejesus out of men.
I had a T-Pain experience at Chili’s the other day. Hanging with the guys, killing the 2 for 1 all night drinks specials when the bartender says “a lady is buying you a drink”. Cool, I turn down nothing but my collar…
It happened in slow motion (at least for me it was). I saw the approach, I saw the smile, I saw the switch in her hips that screamed “I’M FERTILE, I NEED A MAN, I NEED BABIES”. Then I saw the look of disgust when she caught the light’s reflection from my tungsten carbide diamond wedding band. It was like someone had messed up her $85 dollar perm. She wasn’t even cordial when I offered to return the favor. Maybe it was the walk of shame back to her table or the giggling schoolboys that my friends turned into.
Most of all, I’m sure it was the disappointment. I felt bad for her in a sense. She looked weathered/tired in the dating game. You know how desert travelers see mirages and get that burst of excitement and energy only to find out it’s nothing there? Yeah, like that.
What can you do? As long as we have the genetically encoded primal need to procreate there will always be trials in finding a mate. That goes for both men and women, but its just funnier to me when women have to do “the walk of shame”. Divine retribution? maybe.